98 Curses But God Ain't One

Parsha Ki Tavo

Parsha Summary: Blessed are the people who choose the path of G-d and they should be bloody well thankful for all that the Lord provides. This week’s Parsha outlines the horrible consequences if the Chosen fails to follow G-d’s law. There are blessings too but not nearly as many as the curses.

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It took four focus groups, three-weekend workshops, two surveys mailed to a select one thousand Elders, and numerous stakeholders locked in a private booth for 72 hours, to collectively agree upon the 98 curses.

Kevin the Bold pushed for 101, and he had his backers, but it was decided that cursing future Mothers-in-law simply wasn’t kosher. Cursing ugly babies felt unjust as they had enough issues thanks to ill-conceived humping and condemning Larping lovers was also crossed off the list.

Azrael, the Archangel of Death, and Gabriel, the Archangel of Destruction, had one final meeting before the list was presented to G-d for sign-off.

“Azrael, can we go over the list one last time?”

“Gabe, as the official Angel of Death, I’m happy with the results. I couldn’t possibly improve on any of these deadly curses. I think the committee has outdone themselves.”

“Az, you know what He’s like when he gets in a tiff. We need to cover all the bases. Indulge me.”

“Well, first we wanted to make sure everyone was targeted hence the generic ‘Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field.” (28:16)

“Solid start.”

“And that led to what the mortals produce for consumption. Curse their basket and kneading bowl, the soil, and the fertility of their herds and flocks.”

“And ‘curse the issue of their womb’? Should this not be in chronological order? Can we put womb cursing after country?”

“Womb cursing is a little icky which is why we tried to hide it between bowl and soil and at the very start. We’re not actually cursing pregnant women, we save that for later, but the Israelite’s animals. Once they hear the remaining ninety, the womb curse will be the least of their problems!”

“‘Curse them in their comings and goings’? Really?”

“That was Kerubiel. He’s been a little off ever since the Chosen called him a cherub and he earned a promotion to defend the Garden of Eden. He wants no one coming near the place. Anyway, ‘loose on them calamity, panic, and frustration in all their enterprises’ comes next and we follow that with a plethora of diseases; ‘The LORD will smite thee with consumption, and with fever, and with inflammation, and with fiery heat, and with drought, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.’(28:22)”

“Mildew?”

“Gabe, there is nothing worse than waking up covered in moss and eating yellow stalks of wheat. Mildew is a BOSS CURSE! It’s linked with ‘turn the skies into copper and the earth into iron; make the rain into dust.’ There ain’t no coming back from that!”

"And then you get personal? Once the land is destroyed?”

“Yep. G-d wanted the people to suffer and suffer baaaaaaad! After their enemies rout them, they get struck with the Egyptian inflammation, hemorrhoids, the scab and the itch, madness, blindness, and dismay.”

“Sweet, sweet sorrow. I like this next one. Mail ordering a bride only for her to be enjoyed by another man.”

“That was Pravuil the record-keeper. He was on a roll. Once he thought up the bride thing, he added a new build lived in by thy neighbor, a vineyard they couldn’t harvest, oxen slaughtered they couldn’t eat, and donkeys seized by never returned. And I quote, “thine ass shall be violently taken away from before thy face” (28:31). Genius.”

“Ha! That’s what pissed off the Sodomites! This next part is incredibly creative. I think Hashem will be pleased.”

“Thanks, Gabe. That came out of the workshop. ‘Their flock would be delivered to their enemies; their sons and daughters would be delivered to another people; a people they did not know would eat the produce of their soil; they would be abused and downtrodden continually until they were driven mad.’ I added the craziness at the end. It gives the curse more bite.

“Ah, I see you’ve put in the classic afflictions of knee and thigh inflammation.”

“What’s a list of curses without flaming knees?!”

On and on the list of curses went. There was G-d driving the Chosen to an unknown nation on a party bus, threatening to spill the partygoers at a nightclub where the host worshipped gods of wood and stone.

Back at the farm, roaming gangs of locusts would consume their seed with nasty worms devouring their vineyards. Olives were also in the firing line as G-d preferred pomegranates. Crickets would rise up and take over the world continuing a lethal path of destruction first brought by the locusts and worms.

“And then Gabriel, ALL the sons and daughters would go into captivity as the stranger in their midst rises above them!”

“The stranger?”

“Plot twist! The stranger is their creditor! And he’ll be the head while the Chosen will be the arse end!”

“That’s weird even by your standards, Az. What’s the thinking behind that?”

“If the Chosen don’t serve G-d in joyful overabundance, they would have to serve in hunger, thirst, and nakedness, the enemies whom God would let loose against them!”

“I get it. A biblical righteousness of shit-eating.”

“We’ll get G-d to bring a motherfucking ruthless badass nation from across the great oceans. I’m talking nautical miles and major land masses! And this nation will swoop like vultures from the end of the earth, a nation whose tongue thou shalt not understand, will devour their cattle and produce of their soil. Worse, the savages from afar will besiege their once great cities until every mighty wall which they trusted had come down.

“I think you can do better.”

“Check out clause 89.”

“DAMN Az!. Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! “And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters whom the LORD thy God hath given thee; in the siege and in the straitness, wherewith thine enemies shall straiten thee.” (28:53) Holy shit, Az! You’ve even got the women chowing down on their afterbirth!”

“We’ve lined up every sickness, and every plague the people haven’t even imagined existed! It’s going to get nasty in the besieged town and G-d will laugh with great mirth and bellows of excitement. He’ll be delighted in causing them pain while they perish and diminish.”

“And the big finale?” I like how the team has brought it back home with enslavement in Egypt.”

“We scatter the people first from one end of the Earth to the other but don’t allow them to settle. There’ll be no rest, not for the wicked. They will wake up in the morning and say “If only it were evening!" and in the evening they will say, "If only it were morning!”

“G-d will love that curse. Can we make it sound more biblical? Something like; “In the morning thou shalt say: 'Would it were even!' and at even thou shalt say: 'Would it were morning!' for the fear of thy heart which thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see.” (28:67)

“Sure. Whatever. I mean, we’ve only spent the best part of a decade writing this shit up, only for the great Gabriel to instruct us on ye olde English. May I finish?”

“Az, it’s only a suggestion.”

“We end with G-d sending the Chosen People back to Egypt in galleys and sold into slavery. But one final curse, ain’t nobody buying their plagued, disease-ridden asses!”

“Good to go Azrael. Baruch Hashem.”

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