A Crack in the Indestructible Armour
Parsha Shoftim
Parsha Summary: Moses once again brings up his favorite five laws of idol worship and false witness. He goes on to remind the Chosen People to leave fruit trees untouched when annihilating an enemy and instructs the Cohen (high priests) on how to Big Up the people before a battle. Moses then assembles his newly-formed police force (Shotrim) to keep an eye out for trembling Jews.
“Justice, justice shall you pursue” (16:20)
The three are one and the same: if the law is upheld, there is truth and there is peace. (Jerusalem Talmud, Taanit 4:2)
The barrier to entry into the Israelite army was low. All you required was a penis, a bar mitzvah, and unlucky not to be born into a house of privilege like the Cohens and Levites.
Every man was welcome into G-d’s elite fighting force. Being part of G-d’s brigade of brawling brothers was an honor. And it was an easy gig too. As long as you stayed loyal to G-d and never cast an envious eye on one’s neighbor, shagged their missus, bowed down to golden beasts, or bared false witness, then the army was the place to be.
It wasn’t conscription but an act of faith.
For the non-believers like the Exodus generation, their ilk had safely passed away in the desert. Bones bleached by decades of trudging in circles. The blessed faithful basked in a superiority that only an impenetrable force field and a Horn of Devastation could give. A power used in spectacular fashion to crush an entire force of Philistines and leave nothing behind but virgins and vineyards. The rucking after-party was legendary.
But not all were happy.
In the midst of the greatest warriors on the planet fired by G-d’s wrath, stood victims of circumstance.
There were men who didn’t want to be parted from their newly acquired virginal bride. Betrothed but not yet defiled, these virgin women eagerly awaited their match-made-in-heaven husbands-to-be. A horny man is dreadful in a crisis and even worse in a battle.
And so Moses appoints a police force, the Shotrim, to walk among the armed forces picking out the erectable males sniggering rude jokes at the back.
It wasn’t only the fiancés who were sent home.
The wine was also important for the Chosen People. Who would cater the celebratory party if all the vintners were killed in battle? A rhetorical question as everybody knew the Israelites were indestructible. Still, best be on the safe side. A show of hands revealed the wine-making experts and they too were sent home.
“I’ve barely had time to live in my new house,” piped-up Schlomo of the House of Dan. He wasn’t alone either. Murmurs were heard throughout the assembled force all in a state of angst over their recent property builds.
“What man is there who has built a new house and has not [yet] inaugurated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the war, and another man inaugurate it,” (Deuteronomy 20:5) said Moses.
“Awfully generous of you, Moses,” replied Schlomo, now worried his idiot half-brother’s cousin of an arranged marriage would attempt to steal his purpose-built thatched cottage.
Moses, having already instructed the Shotrim to send home over a thousand potential warriors, had one final clause. There was to be no room in G-d’s army for the frightened, terrified, knee-trembling, pant-wetting soldiers. Anyone scared of facing an enemy behind an indestructible force field could also return home.
Granted, this wasn’t the easiest of groups to send back to their dwellings, so Moses asked for a show of hands.
“What man is there who is fearful and fainthearted? Let him go and return to his house, that he should not cause the heart of his brothers to melt, as his heart." (Deuteronomy 20:5-8)
Not many stepped forward but thanks to the Shotrim, they weeded out the feeble and the scared and forced them to return home to do women’s work as instructed by G-d.
That night, the Shotrim toasted their appointment as enforcers to G-d’s army and blessed all the virgin women waiting diligently at home for the return of their men.
“If only they were allowed to fight,” said one Shotrim to another, dreamily thinking about broken-hearted virginal widows needing the comfort of a trained officer.
“If only…”
Cohens are high priests? That explains Leonard....