A Golden Calf! Aaron! What the F**k Have You Done?!
Parshat Ki Tisa
Parshat Summary: “The narrative of Ki Tisa can be roughly divided into three parts: 1) The conclusion of G‑d’s instructions to Moses regarding the making of the Mishkan (Tabernacle); 2) The sin of the Golden Calf; 3) The granting of the second tablets.” Source Chabad.org
Haim awoke early that morning, rigid with excitement. Today was the day he was going to use his all-access VIP Pass to the Golden Calf Carnival. It promised to be the biggest blow-out since the crossing of the Red Sea Party with dancing girls, sacrifices, and face paint. Clothing was listed as ‘optional’. There were rumors circulating of free bacon falafels and a spit roast! Haim hadn’t tasted bacon since they left Egypt last summer.
Racing out of his tent, he spotted Hur, Moses’s nephew, surrounded by a crowd. As he drew closer, Haim could see this wasn’t a pleasant encounter. Hur was furious. People were pushing and shoving him and angry words were being exchanged. From the back of the crowd, a rock was launched at Hur’s head. Then another and another. The mob surged forward as Hur tumbled and disappeared in the cascade of stones.
His mate Christo arrived by his side and couldn’t contain his excitement.
“What a day, Haim! By the love of Anubis, I’m glad they’re getting rid of Hur, bloody do-gooder. Fancy telling everyone to go home and destroy that lovely golden calf. It’s a beaut, isn’t it? Captured the essence of idolatry right there. I can’t wait to bow down and worship those udders!”
Haim disagreed but he kept his opinion to himself. He had just witnessed Hur being stoned to death and all he wanted to do was dance and shag. There will be time later to mourn the death of Aaron’s bestie and the hero in the battle against Amalek.
At the Golden Calf, the festivities were in full swing.
Haim began to relax. All around him, the revelry was an explosion of sound and color. He took a swig of wine passed to him by a buxom blonde, naked bar a fig leaf covering a single nipple. The flutists of Egypt flounced through the ‘Rejoice Be Merry’ song as more clothing was shed. It was a full-bodied wiener roast. Round and round the pack orbited the golden calf. Everyone was in high spirits. They may have lost a prophet but they had gained a god.
“Go on, Aaron, please continue.”
“It was an error in judgment. I admit it. I allowed the heathens to go too far. But this? Do I deserve to be hauled in front of the HR Angels and made to apologize for my actions? It’s a joke no? Like calling Angels Human Resource. We laugh, yes? Big joke on Aaron.”
“Aaron…you said, “I tried to stall them.” How did you try?”
“This is a farce. Hashem will clear my name. You’ll see.”
“We just want to get to the bottom of this. We are not here to pass judgment, we simply want to hear from all sides. This isn’t easy to gather this many angels in one room. Ezekiel has trumpet practice and Gabe has a full schedule smiting noblemen of Alexandria. So tell us, Aaron…how did the party get out of hand? Whose idea was it to create a Golden Calf? Where did all the gold come from? It’s important to get your side of events.”
“I tried my best, I really did. They murdered Hur. Poor lad. He was with me on Mount Sinai while we awaited Moshe’s return. Always helping. Such a mensch. When Moshe grew tired of fighting the Amaleks, who was there to hold up his arms? Hur. Oy vey. Those bastards murdered him. What could I do? They say to me, “We will do to you what we have done to this man”. To me! Brother of Moshe, the Prophet. Me!”
“Is that when you told the people to remove their golden earrings?”
“Yes! You see, I have smarts. I know the wives do not wish to depart from their gold. Sure enough, most of the women refused. Aha! I said to myself, Aaron, you have saved the day. Moshe will be back any minute and he’ll sort this trouble out…but no, the men returned with their own gold. All the people contributed.”
“And you were in favor of this altar? “Allow me to build it by myself, for it is not befitting the respect due to the altar that another should build it.” Did you offer to build it yourself? I quote Isaac ben Solomon, “He received the gold from their hand, and fashioned it with an engraving tool and made it a molten calf. And they proclaimed: “This is your god, O Israel, which brought you up out of the land of Egypt.”
“Time. I needed more time. I’m an old man. I work slow. I’m a klutz. Always I look up at the mountain. Always! I look and see no Moshe. What can I do?”
“Let me get this straight, I may have misheard. You get the Israelites to bring you all their gold? You then construct the altar? And when everything is in place you say, “Tomorrow is a feast to G‑d!”…is that correct?”
“Baruch Hashem (ברוך השם), Moshe returns in the morning. One more night. I stall them for longer. You see? Aaron is smart! I could still prevent our people from worshipping idols. I say to myself, “Aaron, you’ve done it! Moshe will be back in the morning and all will be forgiven.” But Moshe never had great timing.”
“The party had started?”
“Yes. It was out of my hands.”
“Thank you, Aaron, we’ve heard enough. You can go.”
“Why don’t we start at the beginning, Moses? You said, “They were drinking from a fountain that was pouring like an avalanche, coming down the mountain”?
“Butthole Surfers, the lot of them. I spit in their general direction. May G-d make their wieners burn with the power of the sun and their women wail with despair at their burnt-up shriveled dicks. They should all be ashamed of themselves.”
“Moses, you need to calm down. This isn’t the first time we’ve had words over your anger issues. Remember the incident after the plagues? When you “went out from Pharaoh in a great anger”? Or when you struck a rock twice because you were upset and G-d specifically told you to talk to the rock?”
“Pfft…who talks to a rock?”
“What happened next? You were expecting to be greeted by Aaron and…Hur? Is that correct?”
“Yes. But first I see Joshi, and he says to me “There is a noise of war in the camp,” and I turn to him. I say “Joshi, you are very much mistaken. These are not shouts of victory,” And where was Aaron? Can I not rely on anybody to do what they are told? Must I always be kvetching after people? What do I see? Oy, may my eyes burn for eternity! Such nakedness! Boobies everywhere. Schlongs dangling. I throw up in mouth.”
“And then you noticed the calf of gold?”
“Yes. The Calf. Hideous idolatry. G-d said to them “Do not make idols!” and as soon as my back is turned they making Golden Calf. A shande! G-d was very upset. He said to me “Go down, for your people, which you have brought up out of the land of Egypt, have become corrupt. They have turned aside quickly from the way which I commanded them.” He wanted to destroy them all, one strike!”
“Where was Aaron?”
“That schmuck? I found him cowering in a corner. He wails to me, over and over, “why?”, like a little baby, “why?”, over and over, like that.”
“Why what?”
“Why do I not come sooner? Why did it take so long? Always with the whys? I answer only to G-d. He guides me. Aaron, one job. Stand at the foot of mountain and wait…that’s it. Oy. This man.”
“Tell us more about the tablets. You say they were a gift from G-d?”
“Forty nights and days I sit listening to the word of G-d. Forty nights my tuchus aches and my knees hurt and my wrists are sore and my head…pounds. I sacrifice for the people. And when I return? I see Judith and her choir prancing and prancing, naked, spinning around a Golden Calf. I see Haim scoffing little piglets on a spit…And Shimon? Disgusting. He was fiddling with his sausage like a perverse Dovid-in-a-box, sex acting and waving his schlong and…oy…my eyes!”
“An eye-witness…”
“An eye-witness? What is this? Am I in investigation? Eye-witness?”
“Someone at the gathering reported “as soon as he came near to the camp, that he saw the calf and the dancing. Moses’ anger burned, and he threw the tablets out of his hands, and broke them at the foot of the mountain.” Is that really the actions of a righteous man? What happened next?”
“My blood boils. I feel pulses, yes, pulses in my head. A mist. How dare the chosen people behave like this. Like animals. I took the calf and melted it to liquid. This filthy, horrid, symbol of false gods, melted before the Israelites and then I make them drink their filth. Every man, woman, and child who dance and sing and jiiggy-jiggy to calf, I make them drink until nothing…NOTHING…was left.”
“But you didn’t stop there?”
“My faithful Levis stand beside me and I instruct them to put to death all the ringleaders, and all the ones who enjoy worshipping idols the most, THEM PEOPLE! The ones who make the calf, and poke holes where schlongs should not be poked, THEM! Even if they be their “brother, friend or close relation.” No one shall be spared.”
“And roughly, how many did you execute?”
“3000 for their sins.”
“Thank you, Moses. I think we’ve heard enough. Just one final question. Gabriel wants to know, was G-d pleased with your actions?”
“I returned to G-d the following day, most humble and apologetic and I said to Hashem, “I beseech You: this people has sinned a great sin, and they have made for themselves a god of gold.
“Now, if you will forgive their sin — ; and if not, I beg you, blot me out of Your book which you have written.”
And G-d says to me: “Whoever has sinned against Me, him will I blot out of My book.”
“I believe there will be further punishment that may include exclusion to the Land of Milk and Honey. That judgment is scheduled for Tuesday. I know you have a meeting with G-d later this afternoon to reconstruct the tablets, so we won’t keep you. Thank you for your time, and if you have any further questions regarding this process, you have us on horn-blow…three toots for the HR Angels, five for G-d. Thank you, Moses.”
“Thank you.”