And G-d Says: "Stop Whining You Ungrateful Brats"
Parsha Behaalotecha
Parsha Behaalotecha Summary: The long wait is finally over as the Israelites get ready to leave Mount Sinai after wallowing in self-pity for almost a year. The departure is delayed by Miriam who is struck with leprosy by G-d after she cusses Moses. Ever ungrateful, the people moan about the lack of meat and there’s a special Passover for those who touch dead people.
“Oh Great One, Chooser of the Prophets, He of Infinite Wisdom…”
“What is it now, Moshe? I’m in the process of constructing the sixth wonder of the world. I am very busy.”
“Sorry to disturb, my Lord…but there’s a fire on the far side of the camp and, well, you know, we’re in a desert with little water. That’s not to say the desert isn’t lovely and we all appreciate the effort you made in creating a desolate, hostile environment where no man can live without the aid of a G-d, such as yourself…”
“Fine, Moshe. I’ll quench the fire.”
“Cool, cool. I’ve also had several complaints about the lack of choice on the menu. It’s not that the people are ungrateful for the manna…but…is it possible they could have more meat? Like BBQ chicken? Or roasted duck?”
“Meat? MEAT?”
“Yes, my Lord. The people demand…”
“DEMAND!? THE PEOPLE DEMAND!? AM I NOT G-D? Who are these people to make demands to me? Lord in Heaven? Creator of the Universe? This is nothing more than an expression of contempt for all that I have done! Mutinous behavior that deserves to be punished! Did I not feed them manna from Heaven when they grew hungry? Was it not I who provided year-round sustenance to eat making them want for nothing?”
“Except meat…”
“Moshe, the Israelites try my patience. Were all the stupid people saved from my smiting? I told you to execute 3000 after the Golden Calf incident. Did you not cleanse the camp of ignoramuses? Ungrateful eejits.”
“I have their petition, my Creator. It says:
“We remember the fish, which we ate in Egypt for nothing; the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, besides this manna, before our eyes . . .” 11:5
“NOTHING!? My manna is literally whatever they wish to eat. Can I help it if they lack imagination? Oh…I’m sorry the manna doesn’t come in Garlic Twist with a garnish of melon! Who created these fools? If it’s meat they want, then it shall be meat they have! I’ll give them so much meat their pores will overflow with sweat and their clothes will be damper than a beaver banging a dam! Let them eat so much meat they’ll beg me to stop. I hope it makes them all sick! Now BE GONE MOSHE before I strike you with a plague so nasty your own mother won’t recognize you!”
In the totalitarian regime of G-d, the one and only creator and Lord of the Universe, His word is final.
And so it came to pass, on that day, quail fell from the heavens in great flurries. A plague of quail. More quail than any man could stomach. There was so much quail, some people gorged upon the feathery mass.
And there was quail on day two.
And quail on days three and four and five.
“Hey G-d…sorry to disturb you, but we have an issue with the quail. Some people…not naming names…have eaten too much, too soon. And…well…they are feeling worse for wear. They want to know if you have any antacids or a minor miracle for their indigestion?”
“Glutinous pigs! I knew this would happen! By the power of Greyskull and all that is holy in the world, I SHALL STRIKE THEM WITH A POWERFUL STRIKING! Let them learn to never take more than they can consume!”
“The meat was still between their teeth when [the people] began to die. God’s anger was displayed against the people, and God struck them with an extremely severe striking. He named the place “Graves of Craving” (Kivrot HaTa’avah), since it was in that place where they buried the people who had these cravings.” 11:33-35
By the 28th day of continuous quail consumption, the Israelites were feeling a little aggrieved and more than a little sick of the sight of quail. From no meat to nothing but meat, G-d was making it painfully clear in His message, ‘be careful what you ask for.’
“You shall eat not one day, not two, not even five days or ten or twenty, but a whole month, until it comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you. For you have rejected G-d who is among you, by whining before [God] and saying, ‘Oh, why did we ever leave Egypt!’” (11:20-21)
These were the first signs of dissolution among the chosen people. A people forever wanting more and never fully satisfied with their lot.
The tribes stayed overnight in Hazeroth making preparations for the long trip to Israel, the land of milk and honey. Miriam, sister of Abraham, the great prophet and some would say, even greater than Moses, downed her 3rd cask of the day, she questioned the validity of Moses’s hotline to G-d.
“Avram, all I hear is you speak of Moshe. He a good man. He a wise man. Moshe be perfect man. An honor to worship Moshe and be by his side. Enough with the Moshe worshipping! I heard he has trouble pleasuring his Cushite woman. That the great Moshe is too busy fornicating with G-d then to have relations with his wife.”
“Ssshhh, Miriam. You don’t know who could be listening.”
“No. I will not be quiet, Avram. You know this to be true.
“…Was it indeed only with Moses that G‑d spoke?” she says to her other brother Aaron. “Has He not spoken also with us?” 12:2-3
G-d is everywhere. G-d sees everything. G-d hears everything. Miriam was yet to learn that G-d’s law is the ONLY law and the encampment was no more than a police state disguised as a jolly meet-greet in the desert.
Only G-d was allowed to slander Moses.
The next morning, the Holy HR requested Miriam, Aaron, and Moses’s attendance in the Tent of Meeting. As the three gathered outside, a large cloud descended. To say this cloud looked angry, would be an understatement. It was billowous with rage and loaded with a fiery temper.
The voice of G-d roared from the cloud. He had a very difficult month quietening revolutions within the camp and quelling miscreants who slaughtered way too many quails for his liking. He was in no mood to have his favored son, Moshe, slandered by a woman.
After a severe bollocking, the cloud stormed off in a huff, blasting thunderclaps in its wake.
“Well. That wasn’t too bad,” spoke Aaron.
“Apart from the bout of leprosy,” replied Moses staring at what remained of Miriam.
Aaron turned to look at Miriam as her finger took a diminutive dive off her right hand. Already her nose had begun to crack and slip sideways in an alarming fashion. G-d had punished Miriam with the snow-white scaly skin of leprosy.
It would take several hours of prayer for Moses to convince G-d not to punish Miriam with such harshness. In the end, G-d banished her to live outside the camp for a week.
On Miriam’s return, the tribe set forth into the desert to continue their epic journey to Israel. There would have been more complaints if they had known beforehand the journey would take a further 39 years.
"By the power of Greyskull..."
I know which animated TV show G_d took THAT one from....