And We Shall Make Offerings Like No Other Offerings Have Ever Been Made Before
Parsha Vayikra
Parsha Summary: Vayikra, which opens the book of Leviticus, G‑d speaks to Moses from the Tent of Meeting and begins His communication of the laws governing the bringing of the korbanot, the animal and meal offerings that are the central feature of the service performed in the Sanctuary.
“And lo, there was a man named Moses, who had just received a message from the Almighty. The message was all about how the Israelites should make offerings to G-d, but Moses wasn't quite sure how to convey the message to the people.
So he went to his trusty advisor, Aaron.”
“Trusted advisor?”
“Moshe, you prefer right-hand man? Please, I’m telling this story. You asked for ideas, I give ideas.”
Moses waved for Aaron to continue.
“And Moses said to his TRUSTED ADVISOR, "Aaron, my good man, my most loyal companion, the best of the best, the Lord has given me instructions on how to make offerings to Him. But I'm not quite sure how to tell the people."
Moses rolled his eyes.
“And Aaron replied, "Fear not, Moses! For I have an idea. We shall dress up like priests and go out amongst the people, instructing them in the ways of the offerings."
“How is that any help? You ARE a priest. This is nonsense. YOU! Judah! What have you got?”
“Uhmmm…we could tell them it’s perfectly normal to bring a bull, sheep, or goat to the Tabernacle and slaughter it. Tell them the Lord instructed us to burn it to a crisp before we take turns nibbling on the remains. Tell them, it’s all about pleasing the Lord. He likes the smell of burnt offerings. And if we please the Lord, He will be kind to us."
“That may just work…”
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a tribe of people known as the Israelites. They had just finished building a fancy-schmancy tabernacle, and it was time for them to learn the rules and regulations that would govern their religious practices.
Enter Moses, a man with a bushy beard and a penchant for talking to burning shrubbery. He was the leader of the Israelites and had been tasked with delivering the word of G-d to his people. And so, he began to recite the laws of sacrifice and offering, as outlined in the book of Vayikra.
"Listen up, you lot," Moses bellowed, “G-d has finally had enough of people misbehaving. So, in His wisdom, He has decided to create a bunch of rules for you to follow.
First up, G-d says that if you want to offer a burnt offering, it has to be a male animal without any blemishes. Go forth and find the most perfect, spotless, unblemished animal, for only the best will do in the eyes of G-d.
If you want to provide a meal offering, it has to be made of fine flour and olive oil. Oh, and don't forget the frankincense because nothing says "delicious meal" like a touch of tree sap.
G-d also wants it to be known that He is on a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, please make sure the fat and the blood are removed from the peace offering.
One last request, all Israelites must lay their hands on the carcass of the sin offering and confess all their sins. Understood? The Lord likes the smell of burnt offerings and if we please the Lord, He will be kind to us.”
Moses smiled. He could see the Israelites nod in agreement as they attempted to keep up with all the rules and regulations.
The following morning, at the Tabernacle, two of the anointed priests sat discussing the latest laws as spouted by Moses.
“Aye, that's right, Moses said there's a growing issue with sin among the Israelites. You know, that thing that humans are really good at? Well, apparently, the only way to atone for sin is to offer up an animal sacrifice. A burnt offering. You take a bull or a lamb, and you slaughter it on the altar. Then you set the whole thing on fire and let it burn to a crisp.”
“Oh dear. That does sound rather gruesome, doesn't it?”
“Aye, it's not for the faint of heart. You can't just go around slaughtering goats willy-nilly. No, no, no. You have to make sure you sprinkle the blood in the right place and burn the right parts and do it all at the right time. It's like a big game of sacrifice Jenga, but with more blood.”
“What’s next?”
“The grain offering, or the mincha. Take some flour and oil, and mix it all up into a dough. Then bake in the oven and offer to G-d.”
“Wait, you mean we don't set it on fire?”
“No, no, no, that's the burnt offering. This one is just a nice little cake. More civilized.”
“What about the peace offering? What’s in that?”
“Ah yes, the peace offering. This one is my personal fave. Take an animal and slaughter it, like the burnt offering, but this time, you get to eat some of the meat yourself!”
“Nothing says ‘love and devotion’ better than the fresh slaughter of innocent animals in the morning! I love my job!”
The enthusiastic people began to make offerings, slaughtering bulls and sheep, and goats left, right, and center. The smell of burnt offerings filled the air making Moses and Aaron very happy because they had done the Lord's bidding.
And then the G-d spoke to Moses.
"Moshe, my son, enough with the burnt offerings already. I’m beginning to gag. It’s too much. Save some beasts for next week. Ever since you left Egypt there’s been supply issues. Go easy on the sacrifices. A little devotion is okay too.”
Moses suspected G-d will bring this up in his performance review at the end of the month as he rushed outside to quell the tide of burning flesh.