Balaam and the Talking Donkey
Parsha Balak
Parsha Balak Summary: King Balak has pissed his pants with fright. He reaches out to a local magician/prophet, Balaam, to curse the Chosen People. The plan goes horribly astray when Balaam’s donkey begins to talk. Back in the camp, the tribe is invaded by horny Moabite and Midianite women causing G-d to lash out, yet again, with another flesh-eating plague.
It was getting awkward.
King Balak was furious. He had turned an uncomfortable shade of lobster, boiled alive, and left to rot in a desert sun. It was the kind of red that centuries later, expressionist artists would slice off ears in order to acquire the particular shade.
Balaam waved his arms in the air and made whooshing noises pretending to fly like an eagle or a nervous crow dependent on interpretation. He spat out some rhymes but the words didn’t please the angry Moabite king.
This was a third attempt to curse the Chosen People by Balaam.
“…He shall pour the water out of his buckets
His seed shall be in many waters
His king shall be higher than Agag
And his kingdom shall be exalted…” 24:7
He couldn’t stop. Balaam had become a mouthpiece for G-d, the puppet master. His words twisted into sentences without his permission. Words blessing the people of Israel and their mighty strength and causing Balak, ball-ache.
“…G‑d brought him out of Egypt
He has, as it were, the strength of a wild ox
He shall eat up the nations his enemies
Shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows…”
King Balak ordered his men to seize Balaam. The impudent swine was taking the piss. How dare he go against his wishes. Who invited this clown to the war party anyway?
One week earlier…
Balaam had been summoned by the King of Moabite, a pushy emperor with a short man complex. The king had sought the reassurance of victory over the Chosen People. Despite witnessing the fall of king after king to the wandering and powerful tribe, Balak felt victory was within his grasp. All he needed was a warlock or a prophet to cast a spell and add a guarantee of strength.
Fresh from a good night’s sleep, Balaam set forth on his journey to the king. The man sounded desperate. He had offered Balaam hordes of gold and silver and the finest jewels.
“Take your pick from my harlem, the sauciest wence you can find,” spoke his messengers the previous day.
“Mate, tell the king I need my beauty sleep. I’ll have a word with Him upstairs in the morning. He doesn’t take too kindly to being interrupted if you get my gist. I’ll be on the blower first thing, otherwise, He may smite me if I catch our Lord in the wrongest of moods. And nobody wants another biblical plague, do they?”
That morning, a second, more desperate delegation had returned. This time with even greater rewards. Jewels by the camel load.
“If Balak would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the word of the Lord my G‑d, to do less or more.” 24:13
Balaam had the upper hand. This was the opportunity of a lifetime.
Trudging along on his faithful donkey to meet the king, the ass suddenly veered into a field. Annoyed, Balaam struck the donkey forcing it back on course.
Approaching a vineyard with high walls, the donkey once again made a sudden move. Balaam squealed in distress as his foot was crushed against the wall. He swore heartily at the ass and smacked the donkey again.
They hadn’t gone much further before the donkey refused to move. Balaam, holding a big stick, raised his hand and was about to attack the donkey a third time, when the ass turned its head and spoke to him.
“What I done to you that you struck me three times? I'm a donkey on the edge y’all! Respect Balaam or I kick your arse back to the hovel you came from!”
“Donkey! You literally crushed my foot and dirtied my pants with your detour into the field. What the fuck are you doing? You’re replaceable you know? My cousin Eldron has a mule he wants rid off and the price is right.”
“Look fool! I can’t help it if you blind to angels! That crazy motherfucker keeps blocking my path with a sword all lit with huge flames and shit. I ain’t going to mess with no spiritual holy alliance. That shit is real y’all!”
The angel revealed itself to Balaam, all twelve feet of righteous anger and holy sword of chastisement.
Humbled, Balaam apologized and listened to the angel’s instructions.
“Go with the men,” said the angel. “But only the word that I shall speak to you, that you shall speak.”
"This is gonna be fun!” said Donkey. “We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles."
From the Heights of Baal, seven altars were constructed and seven bulls and seven rams were sacrificed on each. Down below, Balaam had a decent view of the Israeli camp. The fresh cull of sacrifice hung in the air as Balaam waved his arms and began his incantation. It would be a flurry of curses ending with a ballsy mocking of the Hebrew G-d.
Alas, the only words to come out of Balaam’s mouth were to bless the Chosen People.
The party moved to Sedeh Tzofim (“Lookout Field”). Here the air was crisper. The stench of unwashed armies of Moabite blew in the opposite direction. No foul wind of debauched generals stained the nostrils. They again constructed seven altars and sacrificed seven bulls and seven rams. Again, Balaam stood alone, waving arms and making the whooshing sounds of eagles. And once again, nothing but blessings formed on his lips.
The party moved onto the head of Peor, which looks out towards the desert.
And once more, Balaam blessed the tribe,
“Balaam lifted up his eyes, and he saw Israel abiding according to their tribes; and the spirit of G‑d came upon him. 24:2
How goodly are your tents, O Jacob
Your dwellings, O Israel!
As winding brooks
As gardens by the river’s side
As aloes which G‑d has planted
As cedars beside the waters…” 24:6
King Balak demanded an answer. This was treason. He had offered Balaam EVERYTHING and the prophet continued to bless his enemies. It was time to put an end to Balaam and his lyrical nonsense.
“Fuck off Balaam before I have your head served to me on a platter. You’ve made this impossible to attack the Hebrews. I’ll never forget what you’ve done. May a thousand rattlesnakes nip your testicles until the blood rises to your ears and spouts grand fountains that will drown your future children. No! May you be a childless eunuch for the remainder of your days and have your chopped-off genitals fed to the pigs of Canaan!”
“Uhm…there is one more thing, Sir, King of Kings, mighty Balak…”
“Yes, Balaam? Speak fast for my patience is much runneth over!”
“A final prophesy, my Lord, from the Hebrew G-d. I don’t think you’re going to be pleased with this.”
“Go on.”
“I see him, but not now
I behold him, but he is not near
There shall shoot forth a star out of Jacob
And a scepter shall rise out of Israel
And shall smite the corners of Moab
And rule over all the children of Seth . . .
And Israel shall do valiantly . . .” 24:17-18
With that, Balaam returned home for a cold beer with his new pal, the talking donkey.
"Take your pick from my harlem, the sauciest wence you can find..."
Because everyone knows the sauciest wences are in Harlem, y'all....