Bears Shit: The Story of Creation
Parsha Bereshit
Parsha Summary: It all begins with a big bang and the most splendid of light shows before disillusionment sets in. By the end of the Parsha, G-d has his finger over the nuke button and is prepared to obliterate mankind, leaving nothing but Noah and his collective of cuddly creatures. In between, Adam and Eve’s relationship is in turmoil, Cain has a massive stoush with Able and generations pass with Adam extending his old age through 930 years.
Deep in the valley, past the forest of ever-lasting love and a short hop from the pond of youthful indulgence. In a time before a duck mated with a beaver and begat a platypus and a horse got frisky with a striped lemur and beget a million zebras. There lived an elegant being of forthright opinions and immeasurable good taste. A charismatic chameleon who loved to challenge authority. He went by the name of Egon.
Egon was admired by all the other beasts and creatures of the valley who knew a divine specimen when they saw one. An upright figure whose tail gracefully swished in the wind and green scales reflected the sun casting a golden halo above his head. Egon was the king. Unmatched for wit. Unchallenged for intelligence. He would be the apex predator if eating your fellow animals was allowed.
It was a warm night when Egon met Eve.
He had heard from the rodent, Carrie, all about the strange hairless mammal that walked on hind legs, like him, and had opposable thumbs, like him, and could climb and skip and run and laugh and do all manner of wondrous activities. All the creatures admired her beauty and poise.
Egon very much desired to meet Eve.
He polished his scaly skin, sharpened his front incisors, and licked his eyeballs clean with his smooth tongue that could stretch across his head. Egon, in an upbeat mood, set off to meet the wondrous Eve. He hadn’t been this excited since Grizzly told him about how he created the world from a giant piece of paper mache, several elastic bands, and a roll of toilet paper.
“What’s toilet paper,” he asked Grizzly.
“It comes in a twelve pack and is incredibly soft on your tuchus and works better than bunny rabbits.”
Egon was a little confused but he trusted Grizzly and believed everything he said. There was no reason for animals to lie to one another, not in the Garden of Eden.
That’s where he first spotted the man called Adam.
“Yeah. The creator loves Adam,” said Disney the Lion. “He’s forbidden everyone from eating him. Said there’ll be plenty of food to eat and booze to drink so long as we ignore man.”
“Grizzly loves man?”
“They love snuggle time at night. At least they did until woman showed up.”
“Woman?”
“Eve they call her. Not my type but plenty horndogs admire her. What do they call you my friend?”
“Egon. Egon the serpent.”
Egon waltzed into the garden and immediately spotted the beloved woman named Eve. A simple creature sitting on a log, combing her illustrious hair as hummingbirds buzzed around her and butterflies gently grazed upon her skin. In the far corner of the garden was Adam.
Bleary-eyed, Adam was recovering from a nasty bout of food poisoning. He had eaten the wrong type of mushroom and had shat all over the tulips. He was a little aggrieved that G-d had failed to provide a warning about the mushrooms. He distinctly remembered G-d saying he could eat everything as long as it did not breathe.
Egon snickered to himself as he eyeballed man. He felt a twinge of jealousy that Adam could spend all day and all night with the splendid Eve. Egon did not recognize this emotion. He had never felt anything like it before but he knew he had to act. Gracefully, he sidled up to Eve.
“Hey, Gorgeous. What brings you to this slice of paradise?”
“Oh hello. I’m Eve. Have we met?”
“Only in your dreams sweetheart. They call me Egon, the prince you’ve been waiting for.”
Eve chuckled. She didn’t understand what a prince was or why she should wait for it. She enjoyed the way Egon talked. He used big words that sounded soothing to her ears. She felt tingly all over and that felt nice.
“Much to admire about this garden of yours, Eve. I like what you’ve done with the place.”
“Thank you, Egon.”
“Who's the schmuck over there covered in bear shit?”
“That is Adam. He’s cool. He’s met G-d.”
As the pair chatted, it was clear to Egon that Eve knew no shame. If she understood nature and how much of a putz Adam was, she would highball it out of Eden and straight into the loving embrace of the world’s sexiest serpent. If he could just get her to eat from the sacred Tree of Knowledgeable Facts and Figures. It wasn’t corruption per se, more, enlightenment. Eve would thank him for the insight.
“Did G-d really say: You shall not eat of any tree of the garden?” (Genesis 3:3)
“Oh no. He said we could eat whatever tree we saw except this one in the centre. He was quite specific. He said the cherry tree is good to eat. The lemon tree is good. The walnut tree and the fig tree and that tree over there with the funny heart-shaped leaves and that tree whose fruit is the sweetest fruit I have ever tasted. And that shrubbery tree is what he called ‘Pears’ and there are those trees in the far corner, Avocondoos I think He said. And there are…”
“Trees. Yes. Trees. But this one? What exactly did He say about this glorious and most delicious of fruit trees?”
“He said we would die.”
“Gosh. You can’t possibly believe that? I know the creator, big pal of mine, and I can assure you he would never, ever, create a thing that would kill.”
It all made sense to Eve, after all, Adam had eaten poisonous mushrooms and all he did was shit himself. Without further thought, Eve glanced around to make sure she wasn’t seen and grabbed an apple.
It was sensational.
Eve could feel her pleasure center fill to the brim. She grinned like an idiot and couldn’t stop chomping on the delicious fruit. With a mouthful of apple, she ran over to Adam to share the forbidden crop. Still shaken from the mushroom disaster, he was at first reluctant but their new friend, Egon, encouraged him to partake.
Adam and Eve had become enlightened. There were no grand designs of helicopters and male anatomy adorning walls and ceilings. This wasn’t like an Italian Renaissance type of enlightenment. No, this was more low-key. More embarrassment at discovering they had no clothes and were parading around the garden naked in front of a very excitable Egon.
When G-d arrived to check on his special project, he was furious.
And He said: “Who told you that you are naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?” (3:11)
All fingers, paws, and tails pointed towards Egon the serpent. A reject from G-d’s Original Sin project where the fingers and feet didn’t look right on a scaled body. He sat alongside other inferior experimentations like the horned horse with wings and the one-eyed giant with club feet.
“Because you did this,
More cursed shall you be
Than all cattle
And all the wild beasts:
On your belly shall you crawl
And dirt shall you eat
All the days of your life!” (3:14)
If G-d had a wand, it was very much waved at that moment. Large bursts of lightning would strike the ground and there would be thunderclaps so loud they could be heard on the other side of the planet. Instead, Egon’s hands simply vanished. His feet disappeared. His tongue became forked. In shock, Egon slithered behind a bush unable to express his hurt at being made the scapegoat for Adam and Eve’s hungry feast.
G-d didn’t stop there.
He cursed Eve with a nine-month pregnancy that would end with hardship and a husband who would lord it over her and the children. And then he cursed Adam with hard labor that would make him sweat and bleed and come home late each night longing for the days he spent naked in the Garden of Eden.
And then G-d cursed them both some more and promised they would never return to the garden. He anointed Archangel Jophiel to guard the entrance dressed in a toga and armed with a flaming sword that spat fiery flames and made whooshing sounds whenever the blade was unsheathed, and it was unsheathed often, because who didn’t like to unsheath a sword of flames that whooshed in the night?
G-d, a little embarrassed that he had lost his temper, made the pair some garments as a leaving present. And thus began the circle of life.
Adam and Eve beget Cain and Able, who beget Enoch.
It didn’t take long before the entire crowd of righteous begetters beget an entire world of begetting humans who G-d grew to regret ever creating and began to plot their eventual destruction.
“I will blot out from the earth humankind whom I created—humans together with beasts, creeping things, and birds of the sky; for I regret that I made them.” (6:7)
But along came Noah, the only living boy in the New World worthy of salvation.
My faith in Substack is renewed
It wasn’t corruption per se, more, enlightenment - I always thought that...