All Gideon Wanted Was Respect...and Love...and A Shot at the Title

Parsha Eikev

Parsha Eikev Summary: Moses’s BIG SPEECH was on day 34 of 37. He makes appearances on various Talk Shows promoting his new book, ‘G-d and Me: The Untold Story.’ On ZipOprah, Moses goes viral posing the difficult question ‘What does G-d want?’ after jumping on a couch.

Changing careers to become a Life Coach, he steps up his promotional campaign by offering a discount for Chosen People and a Sabbath Special, but critics hate Moses 2.0. As one wag reflected, “The advice can be boiled down to four bullet points: Fear, Love, Worship, and Walk His Way.”

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"And now, O Israel, what does the Lord, your God, demand of you?" (Deuteronomy 10:12)

This week’s Parsha is about the lesser-known tale of garden-variety Gideon, the Average. A man who rated every one of his Shadchan (Jewish matchmaker for the Devout) dates into thousands upon thousands of scroll notes. A man who forgot nothing and stockpiled everything. Every dispute, every date, every minor squabble was meticulously scratched into scrolls stacked in the corner underneath the abstract watercolor painting of Abraham The Prophet.

He had captured it all.

Gideon was a data-mining expert before the Russians ever dreamt of vote-rigging or a Motherland called Russia. In the end columns, scores were assigned to his dates for every imaginable category. His attention to detail was admirable. Gideon pinpointed important traits such as flossing or making breakfast or the speed at which water was brought to quench his thirst. In order to become a High Priest, he felt being judgemental, and rigid in his thinking were the traits he should aspire to.

In short, Gideon was an arse.

That’s not to say Gideon saw G-d in his own image. He may be demanding but he wasn’t delusional. No, Gideon viewed the world with the same high standards as G-d. He believed the majority of the Chosen People were stupid. Easily mislead. A flock to be manipulated. He saw himself as better than the average Israelite despite having the moniker of ‘Average’.

Gideon didn’t just stop at spread-scrolls (the precursor to Excel spreadsheets).

He experimented with life the way a Tzadik (righteous man) gave to charity. His investigations were nothing short of miraculous. For example, he hypothesized eating nothing but thy neighbor’s goat would lead to Holy Shits more fruitful than anything the Land of Canaan could provide. He was wrong. Very wrong.

Gideon, after traipsing through a desert for far too long, was an institutionalized numpty with too much time on his hands. After several bouts of dysentery and poorly barbecued goat, his immune system was severely compromised. As one goat curry followed another, his internal system began to shut down. He started to experience major hallucinations which he mistook for prophecies.

He told Moses he believed he was Jonah sailing a whaling ship full of disgruntled beavers.

“What is a beaver, Gideon?” Moses replied.

A disgruntled Gideon walked away, safe in the knowledge that only the wise will be saved from the aftermath of an invasion. Who was invading the Chosen People? Bears. Sworn enemies of beavers. Big, grizzly fuckers with teeth the size of a grown man’s arm and rage to match Moses throwing a hissy fit at the sight of a golden calf. It mattered little to Gideon that bears were not seafaring animals and were notorious for feeling queasy on board shipping vessels.

Like the beaver conundrum, Moses had a million more questions.

With his mumbled prophecies, Gideon the Average attracted a cult following. It wasn’t long before the High Priests of Israel were forced to stage an intervention. A large crowd gathered outside the Tent of Meetings to hear Gideon foretell the dangers of breeding with stupid people.

“The people wither no more brain than stone continues to breedeth. Th're art too many of those folk. Some art in well-paid employment w'rking f'r the Priests of Israel. Some art teaching at Cheder (Sunday school for Barmitzvah learning) and influencing young minds. Some has't becometh Kings of their countries. Wh're th're’s no more brain than stone, there’s greed. Bedfellows in the war 'gainst innocence.”

The people were stunned.

Unable to comprehend Gideon’s 16th-century Shakespearean English, they wandered off moaning about the lack of nosh and showgirls. Gideon was no Moses when it came to grand speeches and showmanship.

“What does the Lord, your God, demand of you?” Moses asked.

For garden-variety Gideon, the Average, rating every date on a spreadscroll was the only factual piece of information he believed.

Maybe he was onto something.

Gideon didn’t make it to the land of Milk and Honey. He was stung by a passing bee and fell into anaphylactic shock. He had failed “to walk in all His ways” (11:22) as instructed by Moses. Death by bee-sting was the least smitiest punishment G-d could do.

Moses saw this as another opportunity to preach.

“Take heed to yourselves, that your heart not be enticed, and you turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them. Then G‑d’s anger will be inflamed against you, and He will shut up the heavens that there be no rain, and that the land yield not its fruit; and you will perish quickly from off the good land which G‑d gives you.” (11:16-25)

“And Bee’s shall sting the unremarkable and the average who fail to follow His commandments.” (11:25A) (An unsighted verse of the Torah later discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls but dismissed by scholars as forgery).

The Moses Roadshow marches on.