Hit Rock Bottom
Parsha Chukat
Parsha Chukat Summary: The Israelites continue their endless complaining, this time water is the issue. Moses loses his cool which leads G-d pulling the plug on Moses’s retirement plan. Miriam, (Moses’s sister) and Aaron (Moses’s brother) both pass away and the tribe goes on the offensive against the kings Sichon and Og. Bonus Smiting: Death by Serpents.
”Moshe, welcome back. Always a pleasure to see you.”
“Thank you, Hashem. I don’t quite understand why I’m here.”
“Moshe, Moshe, Moshe. The HR Angels would not be filing a complaint if there was no wrongdoing. Where there is smoke, there isn’t always a burning bush, yes? Now tell me about this rock.”
“What is there to say? You told me to go to a rock for water and that’s what I did.”
“Did you follow my instructions, Moshe?”
“Of course. I went to the rock. I struck the rock. Water springs out of rock. What’s the issue?”
“You and your brother Aaron take the rod and assemble the community, and before their very eyes order the rock to yield its water. Thus you shall produce water for them from the rock and provide drink for the congregation and their beasts. 20:8
Sound familiar? That was my instruction, Moshe. You did not use kind words. You did not speak nicely to the rock…”
“…it’s a rock.”
“This is not about the rock, Moshe. This is about you following instructions. This is about you obeying the word of G-d.”
“Come on. Seriously? It’s a rock. Look, you must understand…”
“I must?”
“Sorry, my Lord. The people were being schmucks. My sister, Miriam, had just passed away. I was in mourning and still, the people moan and complain to me. I was stressed. I should have waited. Be more patient. But it’s a rock. No feelings were hurt. Everybody drank.”
“Moshe. This is last straw. I can no longer turn blind eyes to your anger issues. HR has advised me to set an example. You leave me no choice. We have a 12-step program in the Kingdom of Heaven but that’s reserved for angry angels and misbehaving prophets of a deceased nature. Your punishment, Moshe, and it pains me to say this, as long as you shall live, you will never set foot in the promised land.”
“FUCK! Sorry. But…come on, it was a rock! Fuck! You make one simple mistake…”
“One Moshe? This time it was a rock. Last time a Pharoah, and then a calf. Third strike, no pun intended, and you’re no longer part of the milk and honey brigade. Report to Gabriel on your way out, thank you, Moshe.”