It's A Scorcher!
Parsha Shemini
Parsha Summary: the consecration of the Tabernacle, the deaths of Nadab and Abihu, and the dietary laws of kashrut ( כַּשְׁרוּת).
The smell of burnt offerings lingered in the air. Two priests swayed in a drunken rhythm, chanting prayers as they sprinkled the Tabernacle with liquid. They appeared quite jovial. Today was the eighth day after their week-long inauguration and this was their first act as bonafide priests.
As they danced and chanted, bare feet growing ever more dirty, hands unclean from slaughtering baby cows and sheep, an unnatural silence descended. It was as if all the air, all the oxygen, had been sucked out of the small room.
Without warning, an inferno crashed down from the heavens engulfing the priests. A fire with such intensity that neither man had time to scream. Arms wide open, heads tilted back, the blaze consumed them whole in an instant before the column of fire returned to the Kingdom of G-d.
“What the fuck just happened?”
“Nadab and Abihu, sorry about that. The onboarding process isn’t as smooth as I would like. Ever since I smote the Angel Gabriel, it’s been difficult to get the right people. How are both of you doing?”
“HOW ARE WE DOING? I dunno G-d, how would you be doing if you had just been burnt to a crisp? What the fuck was that about?”
“Can I remind you Nadab, this is the Kingdom of Heaven and bad language will not be tolerated? I don’t want to come down heavy on you like some wrathful, avenging G-d.”
“Or what? You’ll smite me? You’ll burn me with fire? Strike me down? I think we’re way past that point.”
“I may have overreacted…”
“You think? I don’t want to question the Lord’s actions or anything, but…WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?”
“It was the singing.”
“What?”
“The singing. You were both out of tune. I can tolerate many indiscretions, but when my hand-picked team of priests, specially chosen to worship me and do thy bidding, can’t hold a tune…well…it annoys me. It wasn’t as if I gave you plenty of time. You had seven days of intensive training, how much more time do you need to learn how to harmonize?”
“That’s it? That was why you chose to smite us?”
“Not quite. You were both drunk.”
“It was ONE CUP!”
“Nadab…we both know you can’t hold your liquor. I made it absolutely clear in my tablet message to Moshe what would happen if I caught anyone drinking. “Do not drink wine that will lead to intoxication, neither you nor your sons with you, when you go into the Tent of Meeting so that you shall not die.” (Leviticus 10:9). Perhaps Moshe failed to pass the message on to Aaron?”
“Me and my bro, Abihu, we discuss this beforehand and decided one cup was good. One cup each to praise you, my Lord. We discussed it over a bottle of Kosher Red that Haim smuggled out of Egypt.”
“I’m glad you mentioned that Nadab. Can I remind you that I am ALL-SEEING and ALL-KNOWING. The pair of you took your own counsel, your own censer, and then did whatever pleased you. You both acted independently and thus I had to punish you both.”
“A couple of drinks and independent thought. Was that all?”
“Feet.”
“Feet?”
“And hands. Feet and hands. They were filthy. I’m up here, with my angels, watching the show, and all anyone could talk about was your lack of hygiene. This is the Tabernacle, Nadab. Would you approach your mother with blood-stained hands and unwashed feet? I can only imagine the stench. Raphael was gagging. He has a sensitive soul. You should be setting an example. “They shall wash their hands and feet so that they will not die” Exodus 30:21. I thought I made that clear?”
“So many rules, it’s hard to keep up.”
“Well, despite an entire week devoted to studying my laws, you still mess up. The pair of you couldn’t even dress properly. As is written in Exodus 28:43, “They shall be worn by Aaron and by his sons when they enter the Tent of Meeting or when they approach the altar to serve in the Holy, so they will not bear iniquity and…”
“Die? Does everything have to end in death? Why not a couple of lashings with a whip as we had in Egypt? Or made to fast? Death is so…final.”
“Nadab, Abihu, I was willing to forgive all of that. I said to my angels, it’s their first time. We’ve just opened the sanctuary, the boys are excited, and I can forgive their transgressions. But then you bring the fire.”
“Uhm…that was you with the fire…”
“HOLD YOUR TONGUE NADAB! it was an UNHOLY FLAME! This is what pushes me over the edge. How dare you bring your own fire! I was livid. I had no option but to punish you. I have witnesses…see how it is written?
“Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, each took his censer, put fire in it and put incense on it, and offered strange fire before G‑d, which He did not command them.” Leviticus 10:1
“I DID NOT COMMAND YOU!”
“I’m so sorry my G-d, my Lord. We thought it’ll be a nice surprise. A pleasant change. The incense was ‘Sweat of Janice’, a new fragrance from the House of the Devoted. They created a special brew to mark the day.”
“A SURPRISE? I AM G-D. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SURPRISES! Deep breaths G-d. Deep breaths.
Nadab. It is written. Everything you need to know. To the letter. Everything. I have enabled a safe space where freedom of thought is unnecessary. You simply follow my instructions. Don’t deviate. Don’t be independent in your thinking. You simply do.”
“Next time my Lord. I promise.”
“Nadab. In case you haven’t noticed. I smote thy ass. There will be no ‘next time'.’”