Let Them Eat Cake
Parsha Tzav
Parsha Summary: As in the previous Parshah of Vayikra, here too are recounted the laws of the “ascending offering” (olah), meal offering (minchah), sin offering (chatat), guilt offering (asham) and peace offering (shelamim). In the repetition, many new details are added. A general difference is that Vayikra addresses itself to the one bringing the korban, while the laws of Tzav are addressed to the kohen (priest) who offers it up upon the altar, outlining his duties and specifying the portions of the korban that are given to him.
Nadib and Abihu.
I knew them from Hebrew Class. They were the sons of the High Priest, Aaron. Back then, they were nobodies. Their dad was a jumped-up old grouch who swore like an Egyptian whore.
These two could do no wrong. And they were beautiful. Even as a child, I knew they were special. Unique. Charmed. The perfect duo. They were destined to drift through life unaffected by the ills placed upon mortal men like me.
But their Dad? What a son-of-a-bitch he was.
Even before Aaron became Moses’s prophet, he thought he was a big deal. It’s no surprise all his sons were anointed priests. Nepotism is the only currency worth having for the Israelites. Such an air of arrogance surrounding that family. Who died and put them in charge? Thousands of Egyptians apparently, that’s who!
The golden duo of Nadib and Abihu were inseparable. The oldest sons of Aaron had waited a lifetime to become high priests and were devout followers of all the commandments. Women fainted whenever one of them made eye contact. Nadib was unapproachable. Really aloof. Aaron had bestowed the gift of righteousness upon him. But Abihu was just as smug. I guess when you get told you are destined for greatness, it does something to you. Creates an air of omnipotence.
As part of their ongoing training, they were made to wear special robes adorned with jewels and sacrificed their pet lamb, Unky, for the greater good. They even held back from partying with Miriam and the wild women of Egypt when everybody else was having a swinging time around the golden calf.
Mind you, I never saw them date. The local Shadchan (matchmaker) had all but given up. The boys simply weren’t interested in Earthly pleasures. They loved themselves too much. They had each other and that was all they needed.
Was I surprised at what happened to them? No. Not at all. There was so much pressure in being perfect, in being G-d’s chosen as priests, they had to crack, didn’t they? You can’t continue to live your life as uptight as them. Rules are there to be broken…eventually. I mean, it’s not hard to make a proper burnt offering. You simply cook it until it goes black and smokes the place out. Renegade chefs of the Tabernacle. Talk about a hot mess, am I right?*
Was I witness to the argument over the cakes? Sure…I’m the Temple water carrier, I see everything. Yeah…it was funny. The boys loved doughnuts. When they weren’t busying themselves interfering in other people’s lives, you could catch them down at the local deli scoffing latkes and doughnuts. G-d had granted them divine bodies perfectly sculpted which could never be harmed by layers of greasy food.
What happened? They were instructed to eat nothing but unleavened cakes. Ever eaten a matzoh? Disgusting. It’s dry and tasteless. The boys were told they had to eat this garbage as part of the sacrificial ritual. G-d being gluten intolerant (amongst all the other intolerances!), it was law.
“What is left of it shall be eaten by Aaron and his sons; it shall be eaten as unleavened cakes, in the sacred precinct; they shall eat it in the enclosure of the Tent of Meeting.” Leviticus 6:9
All those specific instructions. It’s complex shit. G-d acting like a prima donna, the world's first celebrity chef making demands on people. Maybe they were tired of eating those damn unleavened cakes. I mean, can you blame them?
It wasn’t just the cakes.
As part of the inauguration ritual they had to eat in the Tent of Meeting, or as the tribe liked to say, the Tent of Shitting. It’s nasty. People were treating the place like a knocking shop and there was literally shit everywhere. It was Yakov’s cow, the one dressed in a skirt with blusher and lipstick that did most of the damage. Stinking and shitting the place out. Ain’t nobody sacrificing that beast…if you get my drift.
And the acoustics! Horrid. You can’t hear yourself think let alone conduct a meeting. There’s no privacy. Nothing but rabble, women, and beasts. It’s no wonder the boys were pissed.
Seven days of Inauguration eating shitty cakes, burnt offerings, and dressed by Moses. Oy Vey! The boys actually didn’t mind that last part. Stripping down in front of the congregation and having blood smeared over their toes. They loved it.
“And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the guilt-offering.” Leviticus 14:17
We have one kinky G-d. Shame about all the smiting.
*In the near future, G-d will burn the brothers to death.