Nachshon the Son of Aminadav
Hi. I’m Nachshon, the son of Aminadav.
You may remember me from the Jewish Holiday Special screened over 2000 years ago. I played the role of one of the princes from the twelve tribes of Israel to much critical acclaim. Big smash. I was the Prince of Judah and the first to bring a sacrifice.
Or the time I saved a child from a lion by out-staring the beast. That story made national news. “Nachson the Hero Saves More Lives!”
But what I’m most remembered for is jumping into a dirty, great big sea, while attempting to flee a horde of Egyptians. Some called me heroic. Some called me crazy. I just did what needed to be done. I’m no hero. I was literally fleeing for my life.
I’m filled with terror when I recall that day.
All around me were babies wailing, women crying, and the menfolk were deep in prayer desperately hoping for a rescue. It was chaos. Behind us, we could see this huge plume of smoke from the Egyptian chariots. It was frightening. My mate Ezra peed his pants. We were all scared.
And where was Moses? The dude who led us to the sea. The man who promised us all salvation. He was not to be disturbed. I could see the great prophet on the top of a ridge having an argument with somebody. That dude is righteously crazed. He says the weirdest shit and we all listen hoping it’d make sense.
“I’ve been chatting with a burning bush,” he would say. Or “my staff can turn into a snake.” He was at his biblical best that day. “Go jump into the sea. Don’t worry. It’s split in two. Why can’t anyone else see that?”
Again, I’m no hero.
I sized up the situation and knew I had to take action. Nobody was moving. Nobody was leading. They were all dumbstruck with fear. So I ran headfirst into the water. It was either swim or be crushed by a thousand angry Egyptians. I knew I had a better chance in the water.
Naturally, I was as gobsmacked as anyone when the sea split in half. Miriam was right behind me and she couldn’t stop grinning. That’s when she broke out her tambourine and started banging out a three-piece harmony with her sisters. Sweet tune, mad lyrics.
And now they praise my name for being the first to jump and not drowning. From that day onward I was given the name Nachshon, since I jumped into the waves (nachshol) of the sea.
Do you know how often a hero like me gets mentioned in the Torah? A great warrior with unyielding faith and an uncanny knack for not drowning? Fifty? Hundred times? Less than ten and most of them were a throwaway line like “לִֽיהוּדָ֕ה נַחְשׁ֖וֹן בֶּן־עַמִּינָדָֽב” — “From Judah, Nahshon son of Amminadab.”
Do you know what my reward was for being the bravest, most loyal, and faithful servant of G-d?
A fiery death.
That’s right. G-d threw a temper tantrum and burnt me to death. Not just me. No. He smite all the Elders of Israel. I devoted my entire life to his existence and he burns the fuck out of me. Do you know how painful a death that is?
Two years after leaving Egypt. One year after promotion to the Council of Elders. My fellow Hebrews couldn’t stop bitching and moaning about how awful a time they were all having. “Wahhhh, I’ve got no food….wahhh….I’ve got no water…wahh…you’ve taken away all our idols…” I don’t blame G-d. I would have done the exact same thing.
“The people were looking to complain, and it was evil in the ears of the L‑rd. The L‑rd heard, and His anger flared, and a fire from the L‑rd burned among them, consuming the extremes of the camp.” Numbers 11:1
Yep. The council set up camp at the extremes. We were all fried that day and not from the funky mushroom soup Miriam used to serve. All seventy of us.
It’s not all bleak. My descendants were King David, Daniel the prophet, Chananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (all mates of Dan). I can also lay claim to the Messiah when he eventually arrives.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Don’t forget me.