Mankind Will Thank You Later for Shagging Your Dad

Parsha Lech Lecha

The seduction of a drunken Lot

Poor Lot. His wife was turned into a pillar of salt. His adopted homeland was razed to the ground. And his daughters took turns seducing him after they got him blind drunk. How did one man become the footnote for all that is evil in the world?

Was Lot a hero or villain? It’s complicated.

Let’s begin with the parents.

We don’t know much about Lot’s mother (and one would assume neither did he). She was strangely absent from the Torah. Lot’s Dad, Haran, was the brother of the infamous Abraham. Where one man birthed a nation, the other simply burned to death in a fiery pit.

Nimrod, the mightiest man alive and an unquestionable force of destruction, held Abraham and Haran captive. Nimrod was a bully and thinking wasn’t his strength. He liked action, torture, and a spot of gardening. He also didn’t believe in Abraham’s G-d.

The Midrash (an ancient commentary on part of the Hebrew scriptures) tells us how Nimrod tested G-d by throwing Abraham into a fire. Much like Daniel and his lions, Abraham emerged unscathed. Take that Nimrod! Our G-d loves Abraham and has huge plans for him!

“Hmmm…” thought Nimrod, very slowly as he turned to Haran. “Does your G-d love you as much as Abraham’s? Whose god do you follow?”

Haran, never fully on board with Abraham’s choices, as he often remarked to him at family gatherings, “who offers to sacrifice their son?”, decided that Abraham’s god was indeed the right choice.

“I’m with Abraham of course! Can’t help but admire the way those super-hot furnace-type flames have failed to burn my brother. Yep. One hundred percent on Abraham’s side. His G-d rules!”

G-d can spot a sycophant a gazillion miles away.

Haran was hurled into the furnace and agonizingly burned to death. Well, his innards burned. Boiled from the inside.

No mum. No dad. Tereh (his grandfather) took full custody of the child and together they headed to lands unknown until Abraham met up with them. The clan relocated to the land of Canaan.

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Abraham didn’t trust people. He suffered from a small-man complex and was paranoid as fuck.

When the great famine of 2023 BC struck, the family had no choice but to head to Egypt. Sarah, his wife, annoyed after the first move to Canaan when Abraham heard the voice of G-d, spat curses under her breath the entire journey.

Fearing for their safety traveling with a hot MILF, Abraham devised a plan. Sarah, over 70 years old, was considered the hottest woman in the diaspora.

Abe’s plan was so cunning and so devious in execution, that Pornhub would later dedicate an entire genre to future users seeking incestual relationships. Abraham claimed Sarah was really his sister. Concerned more with his own safety, he felt secure in the knowledge that he wouldn’t be murdered in his sleep for being married to such a beauty.

“Play along Lot, there’s a good boy,” Abraham ordered Lot.

It’s thanks to Lot’s acting skills, pretending his Uncle wasn’t married, that would later save him from the destruction of Sodom. Brownie points for Lot.

You can read more about that swindle here:

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As the years passed, Abraham and Lot both grew very rich in Egypt.

On their return to Canaan, they had a massive falling out.

Both men, laden with gold and silver and a vast sea of cattle, had a major problem finding land for all their beasts. Literally, the land wasn’t big enough for the pair of them, somebody had to go. The row may have started with the shepherds but Lot made sure to end it. Accused of robbery by Abraham’s men because they let a few cows into their pasture, Lot’s herdsmen responded,

“The land was given to Abraham, who has no heir, so Lot will inherit the land eventually, and therefore this is not robbery.”

A solid argument by anyone’s standards.

Abraham wasn’t too bothered. He had broken bread with Lot, his favorite nephew. No…what Abraham didn’t like was Lot’s idolatry. No man worshipping idols was allowed to pasture his cows on his land. Agreeing to disagree, pragmatic Lot, unwilling to give up Jezebel, his favorite idol with ruby lips and handsome boobies, agreed to leave and head east to Sodom.

Sodom was a land of dreams with a reputation for much wickedness. Lot was excited at the prospect of pitching his tent in the moral wasteland of the East.

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On a heat-soaked afternoon, sometime in June, the King of Elam ganged up with some other righteous kings and launched an attack on several cities including Sodom.

Crushing the spirits of every man, woman, and child, the King took captives, rebuilt the brothels, and sacrificed several large goats to various gods thanking them for the ease of victory over unarmed peasants.

Among the captives was Lot.

Word quickly got back to Abraham that his favorite nephew was held hostage. Gathering 318 men to pursue the army, he somehow caught up with the retreating pack and miraculously defeated the King. Everybody was freed and much merriment was had by all.

Twenty-five years later, Lot remained an inhabitant of Sodom.

And why not? Sodom was prosperous. Sodom was fun. Sodom was the Vegas of the desert before Vegas was even IN the desert. Sodom was where you got your kink serviced and nothing was questionable.

Yep, Lot liked Sodom. A lot.

But G-d couldn’t help but notice the depravity of Sodom. He had destroyed the world once before and belly-laughed loudly when he cursed the Babelites to all speak different languages.

And idolatry makes Him especially mad.

The city was full of heathens with not a single virtuous man among them. Charity? Not for the Sodomites. They would rather hang naked virgins off their city wall, covered in honey, and then allow the bees to sting her to death. The Talmud describes one especially cruel act whose attempts at charity ended in death by bees.

A certain maiden gave some bread to a poor man, [hiding it] in a pitcher. On the matter becoming known, they daubed her with honey and placed her on the parapet of the wall, and the bees came and consumed her. When the dying cries of this maiden pierced the heavens final judgement was rendered to destroy the cities.

The maiden’s name was Plitith, daughter of Lot.

“That’s it! Yo Abe! Abraham old buddy, old chum. THIS IS THE VOICE OF G-D! Mate. Sodom? I’ve had up to here with their bullshit. I’m giving you advance warning of its destruction. I know you be having a soft spot for that town of filth, but if you know anyone planning a visit, tell them to not bother.”
“But G-d…I love Sodom. Can you spare them? Please?”
“Hmmmm, tell you what, just because it's you Abe, find me twenty righteous citizens, I mean real good sorts, the type you can take home to your mom. Find me twenty and I’ll spare the city and all its inhabitants…except the idols. Those I SHALL RELEASE THE WRATH OF G-D!”
“Thanks, G-d. Um, can we make that ten?”
“Ten? Whatever Abe. Ten it shall be.”

Clued up Abraham had ten in mind and knew exactly where to find them. There was his nephew Lot, and his wife, Edith, who despite being a Sodomite had a good heart. Four daughters, two of whom were married and the other two had fiancés. That’s ten worthy people right there.

Unfortunately, G-d disagreed on a technicality. Canceling out the two fiancés as poor marriage material, he sent two angels to Sodom. One to nuke the crap out of it and the other to rescue Lot and the remaining eight.

Angels being angels, they have a certain way of doing G-d’s work.

Some like to appear in dreams, others prefer to stand on top of ladders and yell from up high. These two liked to make it personal. They enjoyed visiting the righteous and worthy. It was one of the perks of the job being human for a day.

And so they arrived at Lot’s house accustomed to being welcomed.

News quickly spread of Lot’s visitors. The townies didn’t like visitors. People who looked different were to be feared. They only had one thing on their mind, Sodom’s grand initiation ceremony of Sodomizing anyone new to town.

Horrified that a mob with burning torches had arrived on his doorstep, Lot did the only thing he thought would save the day and his imported shrubbery from the Italian House of Furniture and Garden Ornaments.

“Spare my guests and take my daughters. They are of the finest virgin stock in all of Sodom. I swear, no man has EVER laid a finger on them. Never been intimate with any man or beast. Look at those breasts. And the hips. Come now. There’s no need to rape my guests when I have such fine daughters.”

“I will bring them out to you, and do to them as you see fit.”

Angels being angels, they blinded the mob and told Lot to pack up immediately. It’s unclear how they felt about Lot’s daughters offered in return for their safe passage. Outside, blinded by the light, the mob couldn’t contain their lust as they groped and scratched at the door, desperate to pound some flesh.

Slipping out the back door, the angels led Lot, his wife, and two single daughters, out of town. The two sons-in-law refused to leave. Sodom was paradise, why bother going anywhere when they had three gods to protect them rather than the one Jewish G-d?

G-d spoke to Lot as they headed out the door. Hw wanted to make sure Lot understood the terms of their agreement.

“I can’t stress this enough. It’s going to be a shit show. There’s going to be blood. Impaling. Severed limbs. Beheading. Possibly even some anal. It’s going to get nasty down there. No man, or woman, should bear witness to that kind of destruction. So, whatever you do, do not, and I mean this, DO NOT LOOK BACK. Make a promise Lot. Swear on your daughters' lives. Pinky promise.”

But poor Edith couldn’t resist looking back and was promptly turned into a pillar of salt.

Misinformed as to the nature of the destruction, the daughters believed they were the last people remaining on the planet. Nobody gave a passing thought as to what happened to Abraham in Canaan. Nope. This was it. This was the sum total of humanity. Everyone else had been consumed by the hellfire of a vengeful G-d.

Tired after slogging through the desert. Traumatized by the power of G-d’s wrath. The threesome found a cave and miraculously a bottle of wine too. Feeling horny and lonely, the two daughters got Lot plastered as they stripped down naked and had a good old, end-of-the-world incestuous frolic with their Dad. Each took turns to ride the gigglestick for mankind.

“Future generations will thank us,” said one daughter to the other.

Both spawned a child.

One was called Moab, and the other was named Ben Ami. Descendents from Moab would include Ruth, King David, and the Moshiach himself. Who needs to father a nation when your descendants include the messiah?

Lot. Hero or villain? It’s complicated.