Sinning Just Got Real
Parsha Bechukotai
Parsha Bechukotai Summary: The final chapter in the book of Leviticus concludes with G-d promising blessings for all if they follow His commandments. Those that do not, are subjected to every punishment imaginable.
“Welcome to the Afterlife. A wondrous place where you can live for eternity sunning yourself in the glory of our Lord. Sinners to the left, Righteous on the right, please. That’s it, single file. Everyone will get seen.”
“Busy today. Big event?”
“Shit yeah. Yours and everyone’s favorite uncle, Moshe, bless his soul, just had 3000 peeps executed.”
“Love his work.”
“Lucky for us, they all fall into the sinner’s section, so Gabe has to process that lot.”
“Thank Jeezus! I wanted to get off early to shock some nuns in Paris with a vision!”
At the Sinner’s Checkout, Angel Gabriel is struggling with the paperwork. Feeling more stressed than the day he had to translate G-d’s word to Nazareth farmers, Gabe called over Mikey, Head of the Battalion.
“Mikey, there are too many people and this checklist is doing my head in.”
“Gabe. Relax bruh. I got ya. They are all sinners in the eyes of our good Father. This is simply paperwork.”
“But these new laws…”
“I know. The Great One, blessed be His name, could have given us more warning. Over 30 verses? He must have been in the foulest of moods that day. You know how He gets when He’s upset. Smite this and smite that! Let me help with the first sinner so you get a feel for things.”
“Thanks, Mikey, appreciate that. YOU! SINNER! VENTURE FORTH!”
“Maaaaate….nailed the imposing voice. That’ll really shit them up.”
The first of the 3000 sinners steps forward. Weighed down by large chains, the man labors to reach Archangel Michael and Angel Gabriel. Huffing, and sweating profusely, the man collapses at their feet.
“For the love of Hashem. Get up man! Show some dignity! Name?”
“Isaac ben Dovid Mordechai, tribe of Reuben, sir.”
“Those Reubenites, always causing trouble. Did you hear what the OG tried to do with Joseph? Tricky bastards. ISAAC STAND UP STRAIGHT WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! Good. I’m going to read a sin and you will answer honestly if you’ve committed that particular sin or not. Failure to do so WILL result in eternal damnation. Is that clear?”
“Is this not eternal damnation already?”
“Oh…you a funny man. No Isaac, I promise it will get a whole lot worse. Gabe, you now read out this list here, idol worship, fornicating with goats, dissing your parents…make sure you check this box, ‘taking the Lord’s name in vain’, Him upstairs is especially keen to punish on that one. Then align them with one of the punishments on this page. Right? ISAAC! DID YOU WORSHIP A GOLDEN CALF?”
“Ye…ye…yes”
“Make sure you use the voice, Gabe. This sin falls under the idol worship category and the punishment…yes…here it is written…
‘then I too, will do the same to you; I will order upon you shock, consumption, fever, and diseases that cause hopeless longing and depression. You will sow your seed in vain, and your enemies will eat it.’ Leviticus 26:16
“Whoah….bad news for you Isaac! Here, Gabe, ask him a question.”
“DID YOU FAIL TO LISTEN TO THE WORD OF HASHEM?”
“Ooh, great question, Gabe!”
“Ye…ye…yes…but only because Sara said He was only joking about unblemished animals and that pig was okay to sacrifice and you know, one thing led to another and…”
“SILENCE! YOU HAVE SINNED THRICE AND FOR IT IS WRITTEN
‘And if you treat Me as happenstance, and you do not wish to listen to Me, I will add seven punishments corresponding to your sins:
‘I will incite the wild beasts of the field against you, and they will bereave you, utterly destroy your livestock and diminish you, and your roads will become desolate.’ Leviticus 26: 20-21
PREPARE FOR SEVEN ETERNAL PUNISHMENTS SINNER!”
“Oh. Great work Gabe. I love how you finished off your sentencing with such a lack of…pathos! Now, draw a line over here, and press ‘PROCESS’, and away the Heathen goes! Nice. You got this mate. All good?”
“Cheers Mikey. Yeah, I think I can handle it from here. See you at the after-work BBQ? Sweet. Thanks, Mate.”
One after another the sinners are registered and sent to the various levels of Hell. Angel Gabriel, once he got into the swing of things, felt happy doing the Lord’s work. As the last of the sinners were greeted with eternal damnation, Gabe wiped the counter clean of fecal matter (it’s a dirty business) and headed off to join the other angels at the after-work party.
“I wonder if G-d will be there this time,” he thought to himself, whistling an aimless tune.