Spear No One
Parsha Pinchas
Parsha Pinchas Summary: An angry Pinchas launches the mother of all spear attacks, slaying two fornicators in one hit. Another census is taken and four daughters of the Stick-Gatherer appeal to G-d for their inheritance. The final verses end with Moses looky but no touchy on the land of Milk and Honey as he anoints his successor.
“There was once a gentile woman who was very ill, who vowed: If this woman recovers from her illness, she will go and worship every idol in the world. She recovered and proceeded to worship every idol in the world.
When she came to Peor, she asked its priests: How is this one worshipped? Said they to her: One eats greens and drinks beer, and then one defecates before the idol. Said she: Id rather that this woman return to her illness than worship an idol in such a manner.” (Talmud, Sanhedrin 64a)
The forty-year anniversary of the spies’ misinformation campaign passes. It was time for another census to double-check that all the heathens of the Exodus generation had perished.
Apart from the odd bout of dysentery, it had been an uneventful thirty-nine years.
The Jewish people were finally cowed by His magnificence and only two lads, Calev the son of Yefuneh and Joshua the son of Nun had outsmarted the plagues, the serpents, the thunderous clouds of anger, the quail deluge, the ground ripped asunder and swallowing families whole and the inevitable stoning to death for various misdeeds.
But G-d was not happy.
The Chosen People had become complacent, the inevitable result of taking away their single justification for life - entry into the promised land.
Worse, the free-loving fornicators of the new generation were humping every single woman in sight. A horrendous STD spread through the camp slaughtering 24,000 horny millennials. G-d laid the finger of blame solely on the harlots of Midian, the temptresses of the East, seducers of Hebrew men, and sexually expressive women looking for a good time. The brave young men of Israel couldn’t resist their womanly charms or their idol-worshipping gods.
At the center of all this fingerbanging was Zimri, son of Salu, chieftain of a Simeonite ancestral house, and his Midianite princess, Cozbi, Daughter of Zur.
Zimri wasn’t the brightest student in Sunday school but he certainly was the horniest.
He became aware of his special status within the Simeon camp at the age of eight. Having failed miserably playing ‘Shekel Up the Wall’, his group of friends reassured him he had won and bowed down to his shekel flicking prowess.
By the time puberty challenged his pimple-free cheeks and sprung a bush where none resided before, Zimri was the undisputed champion of every playground game ever invented. A lad unwilling to explore the outer limits of the Simeon camp, the refugees within bowed before the son of the great chief Salu. His every step was exalted. His every whimsical utterance was greeted with rapturous applause. Zimri was made to feel like G-d’s gift to the tribe.
The boy strolled around the camp issuing orders and demanding obedience. His father happily indulged the child, pleased to have raised a strong-willed youth. At thirteen, Zimri hired a surrogate to perform his bar mitzvah while he lolled around on a sofa made of peacock feathers, sipping the kiddush wine and gobbling on berries.
In short, Zimri was spoilt and entitled.
And so it came to pass, as pubic lice raged through the camp and thousands dropped dead scratching their balls, Zimri spied the hottest Midian woman he had ever seen.
It mattered little to Zimri that Moses had begun a crackdown on fornicating youth. He was Zimri, son of a chieftain, a virile youth who answered to no one. What he wanted, he usually got.
Zimri strode passed the impaled bodies of idolaters, members of the congregation who chose to worship Baal.
He stepped over the rigor mortis bodies of the departed who had chosen to hump out of wedlock.
He ignored all the visual clues of his possible demise and allowed his cock to dictate his actions. This was Zimri was on a mission and flushed with pubescent testosterone.
Dancing her way through camp, Cozbi flaunted her womanly wares, raising temperatures wherever she spun. She was the daughter of the great Zur, legendary Midianite King who it is said, once stopped a charging goose with his baby toe. Zur’s tactics for conquering powerful armies was to deploy the sex-craved maidens of Midian famous for batting eyelashes and opening of legs.
The sudden influx of hot Midian women was hard to resist. They had their orders and couldn’t wait to get started. Even the sight of impaled ringleaders caught worshipping Baal, couldn’t contain their lust.
As Cozbi waltzed, Zimri became inflamed. He grabbed Cozbi and flung what little clothing she had onto the floor. The pair got down to some mutual ass-tagging oblivious to the crowd of shocked onlookers. In the throes of passion, pounding like there was no tomorrow, the pair had failed to notice an angry individual storming towards them yielding a very large spear.
Pinchas, High Priest Aaron’s grandson, charged the spear deep through Zimri’s stomach, pinning Cozbi at the same time. Like a well-drilled meat kebab, the hot-headed duo was skewered in the throes of passion. Forever united in a thrustful discharge of death. Extreme Petit Mort as the French would say.
Pinchas’s action was liberating.
All around him the men awoke from their sexual torpor and happily turned their backs on the Midian women. G-d was so pleased with Pinchas that he immediately cured the fornicators of their horrendous STDs. The plague had stopped and Moses, secretly harboring a Midian wife who was conveniently out of town, once again showcased his generous nepotistic side.
And G-d said to Moses:
“It shall be for him and his descendants after him a pact of priesthood for all time, because he took impassioned action for his God, thus making expiation for the Israelites.’ 25:13
Thou shall not kill unless one sees two bums jiggling in sight of the highest of priests. Pinchas was set for life.
Ass tagging? Is that from the King James version?