The Seagull Cafe

A fishy affair

Lunch kicked in. 

A glutinous affair of scorched lobster dripped in Canadian goose fat. A side dish of pleasurable truffle seared and bloated like a pregnant whale beached and cooked in a Caribbean sun.

In the corner, the quiet accountant noted the cost.

“The captivating nature of your face and figure is divine,” announced the Host. “I want to lean in close and squeeze every ounce of flesh.”

“It’s ninety-six hours to the leeway. There will be no time for detours,” spluttered the quiet accountant.

The Host popped a claw and ran the tip of his finger over the exposed flesh. His tongue whipped feverishly around the crustacean, sinking globules of saliva into charred crevices. A single bead of butter dangled from his lips.

“Nevertheless, my quiet friend, they threaten to subvert the firm’s entire rationale.”

“We can’t stop. It’s a measure of control. A straitjacket we cannot or will not free ourselves of. Behind the Seagull Cafe is where we will meet and at very little cost may I add.”

The Host glared from behind the entree. Weighing his options, he placed the lobster back onto the dish and summoned the nearest executive assistant.

“You! Stella!”

“Stacey, Sir.”

“Stella. I required a large contingent of shortcakes when certain conditions were not met. By not honoring our agreement, the Thames Board of Institutionalised Lobotomists have labored their point. Where, Stella, are my shortcakes?”

Stacey, stunned into action, began to cry. She was not prepared for this encounter. She had trained with Louis Vaudeneu at the finest Hotels on the Atlantic Coast. She had mastered 273 sweet dishes and could recite the ten viscous states of honey needed to perfect the legendary Vaudeneu Country House Pudding. But this? To be reduced to an obsequious slave at the hands of this toad…it was all too much.

“Tears Stella? My my. The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work are not simply the domain of Alain De Botton. It is time for us to vacate. Abandon. Fly the coop. But you, my dearest Stella, shall remain forever an intransient frisking the finer margins of society.”

Stella born Stacey, would later head to the bathroom once she recovered consciousness from a soon-to-be clash with a concrete wall. She would need time to process her fate and nurse her cracked skull.

The quiet accountant in the corner scribbled some notes and passed them to the Host.

“Make it so Mister Thimble,” announced the Host wiping the note across his lips, “and find me a more pleasing Stella. This one is broken.”

With that, the Host scrunched the sodden note and flicked it antagonisingly close to Stacey’s left earlobe. She flinched and ran directly into a wall.

The sound of Stacey crashing headfirst into a concrete wall reverberated around the room. She lay prone, unconscious on the floor, a slow well of blood oozing out her forehead.

The Host barely acknowledged her as he pranced over the body like a pirouetting Russian Showpony. 

“Come along, Mr Thimble, we can’t keep the proletariat waiting. Control we must gain! To the Seagull Cafe!”

The three Swedes, operational managers for a power station run on chicken droppings, were in for a very unpleasant surprise. They were about to be catapulted into spasms of envy and inadequacy meters from the Seagull Cafe.

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Palestine Conflict

My public stance supporting Israel has seen my subscriber base grow. And that’s awesome. Every writer craves an audience but I feel a little disingenuous or underhanded.

I proudly stand with Israel.

BUT…People subscribing to the JPF may expect more of the same rhetoric. More Palestine bashing. More pro-Israel views. More views on the rising tide of antisemitism.

This isn’t the Substack for that. This Substack is an outlet for self-expression, where I write creatively (and sometimes politically).

There is a host of great writers, such as Eve Barlow, who regularly writes about the political landscape of Gazalighting and I implore everyone to follow her.

On Medium, the JPF is a Jewish-led publication for Jewish voices. Here, you will find an active voice against Palestine and a host of writers expressing their thoughts. If you crave more pro-Israel opinions, then it’s here you need to look.

Thank you for stopping by.

Reuben

https://medium.com/the-judean-peoples-front