The Morally Corruptible Lot and his Journey to Incest
He was the master of bad choices
Poor Lot. His wife was turned into a pillar of salt. His adopted homeland was razed to the ground. And his daughters took turns seducing him after they got him blind drunk. How did one man become the footnote for all that is evil in the world?
Was Lot a hero or villain? It’s complicated.
One should always begin with the parents.
We don’t know much about Lot’s mother (and one would assume neither did he). She was strangely absent from the Torah teaching. Lot’s Dad, Haran, was the brother of the infamous Abraham. Where one man birthed a nation, the other simply burned to death in a fiery pit.
Nimrod, the mightiest man alive and an unquestionable force of destruction, held Abraham and Haran captive. Nimrod was a bully and thinking wasn’t his strength. He liked action, torture, and a spot of gardening. He also didn’t believe in Abraham’s G-d.
The Midrash (an ancient commentary on part of the Hebrew scriptures) tells us how Nimrod tested G-d by throwing Abraham into a fire. Much like Daniel and his lions, Abraham emerged unscathed. Take that Nimrod! Our G-d loves Abraham and has huge plans for him!
“Hmmm…” thought Nimrod, very slowly as he turned to Haran. “Does your G-d love you as much as Abraham’s? Whose god do you follow?”
Haran, never fully on board with Abraham’s choices, as he often remarked to him at family gatherings, “who offers to sacrifice their son?”, decided that Abraham’s god was indeed the right choice.
“I’m with Abraham of course! Can’t help but admire the way those super-hot furnace-type flames have failed to burn my brother. Yep. One hundred percent on Abraham’s side. His G-d rules!”
G-d can spot a sycophant gazillion miles away.
Haran was then hurled into the furnace and agonizingly burned to death. Well, his innards burned. Boiled from the inside.
No mum. No dad. Tereh (his grandfather) took full custody of the child and together they headed to lands unknown until Abraham met up with them. The family then relocated to the land of Canaan.
Abraham didn’t trust people. He suffered from a small-man complex and was paranoid as fuck.
When the great famine of 2023 hit, Abraham had no choice but to head to Egypt together with his nephew, Lot, and his wife, Sarah. Fearing for his safety being married to a hot wife, Abraham devised a plan.
It was a plan so cunning and so devious in execution, that Pornhub would later recommend a whole category to future users seeking an incestual relationship. Abraham claimed Sarah was really his sister. Concerned more with his own safety, he felt secure in the knowledge that he wouldn’t be murdered in his sleep for being married to the hottest woman in Canaan.
“Play along Lot, there’s a good boy,” Abraham ordered Lot.
It’s thanks to Lot’s acting skills, pretending his Uncle wasn’t married, that would later save him from the destruction of Sodom. Brownie points for Lot.
As the years passed, Abraham and Lot both grew very rich in Egypt.
On their return to Canaan, they had a massive falling out.
Both men were laden with gold and silver and a vast sea of cattle. So many cattle, it was a major problem finding land for all their beasts. Literally, the land wasn’t big enough for the pair of them, somebody had to go. The row may have started with the shepherds but Lot made sure to end it. Accused of robbery by Abraham’s men because they let a few cows into their pasture, Lot’s herdsmen responded,
“The land was given to Abraham, who has no heir, so Lot will inherit him, and therefore this is not robbery.”
A solid argument by anyone’s standards.
Abraham wasn’t too bothered. He had broken bread with Lot and yes, he was his favorite nephew. No…what Abraham didn’t like was Lot’s idolatry. No man worshipping idols was allowed to pasture his cows on his land. Agreeing to disagree, pragmatic Lot, unwilling to give up Jezebel, his favorite idol with ruby red lips and handsome boobies, agreed to leave and head east to Sodom.
Sodom was a land of dreams with a reputation for much wickedness. Lot was excited at the prospect of pitching his tent in the moral wasteland of the east.
Then one day, the King of Elam ganged up with some other kings and launched an attack on several cities in the area including Sodom. It was a rebellion and the citizens needed to be taught a lesson.
Crushing the spirits of every man, woman, and child, Elam took captives. He had a harem to fill and soldiers with needs. He also needed to rebuild after one too many drunken mercenaries ransacked a brothel.
Among the captives was Lot.
Word quickly got back to Abraham that his favorite nephew was now a captive. Gathering all 318 men to pursue King Chedarlaomer’s army, he somehow caught up with the retreating pack and miraculously defeated the King. Everybody was freed and much merriment was had by all.
Twenty-five years later, Lot was still an inhabitant of Sodom.
And why not? Sodom was prosperous. Sodom was fun. Sodom was the Vegas of the desert before Vegas was even IN the desert. Sodom was where you got your kink serviced and nothing was questionable.
Yep, Lot liked Sodom. A lot.
G-d couldn’t help noticing the depravity of Sodom.
G-d particularly disliked the use of idols. The city was full of heathens with not a single virtuous man among them. Charity? Not for the Sodomites. They would rather hang naked virgins off their city wall, covered in honey, and then allow the bees to sting her to death. The Talmud describes one especially cruel act whose attempts at charity ended in death by bees.
A certain maiden gave some bread to a poor man, [hiding it] in a pitcher. On the matter becoming known, they daubed her with honey and placed her on the parapet of the wall, and the bees came and consumed her. When the dying cries of this maiden pierced the heavens final judgement was rendered to destroy the cities.
The maiden’s name was Plitith, daughter of Lot.
“That’s it! Yo Abe! Abraham old buddy, old chum. THIS IS THE VOICE OF G-D! Mate. Sodom? I’ve had up to here with their bullshit. I’m giving you advance warning of its destruction. I know you be having a soft spot for that town of filth, but if you know anyone planning a visit, tell them to not bother.”
“But G-d…I love Sodom. Can you spare them? Please?”
“Hmmmm, tell you what, just because it's you Abe, find me twenty righteous citizens, I mean real good sorts, the type you can take home to your mom. Find me twenty and I’ll spare the city and all its inhabitants…except the idols. Those I SHALL RELEASE THE WRATH OF G-D!”
“Thanks G-d. Um, can we make that ten?”
“Ten? Whatever Abe. Ten it shall be.”
Clued up Abraham had ten in mind and knew exactly where to find them. There was his nephew Lot, and his wife, Edith, who despite being a Sodomite had a good heart. Four daughters, two of whom were married and the other two had fiancés. That’s ten worthy people right there.
Unfortunately, G-d disagreed on a technicality. Canceling out the two fiancés as poor marriage material, he sent two angels to Sodom. One to nuke the crap out of it and the other to rescue Lot and the remaining eight.
Angels being angels, they have a certain way of doing G-d’s work.
Some like to appear in dreams, others prefer to stand on top of ladders and yell from up high. These two liked to make it personal. They enjoyed visiting the righteous and worthy. It was one of the perks of the job. Be human for a day and see how the mortals live.
And so they arrived at Lot’s house accustomed to being welcomed.
News quickly spread of Lot’s visitors. The townies didn’t like visitors. They only had one thing on their mind. Every newcomer to Sodom had to go through an initiation ceremony. That way, the citizens would feel safe or some other bullshit excuse for raping and sodomizing anyone new to town.
Horrified that a mob with burning torches had arrived on his doorstep, Lot did the only thing he thought would save the day and his imported shrubbery from the Italian House of Furniture and Garden Ornaments.
“Spare my guests and take my daughters instead. They are of the finest virgin stock in all of Sodom. I swear, no man has EVER laid a finger on them.Never been intimate with any man or beast. Look at those breasts. And the hips. Come now. There’s no need to rape my guests when I have such fine daughters.”
“I will bring them out to you, and do to them as you see fit.”
Angels being angels, they blinded the mob and told Lot to pack up immediately. It’s unclear how they felt about Lot’s daughters offered in return for their safe passage. Outside, blinded by the light, the mob was unrelentlessly horny. Inside, they could hear the mob grope and scratch at the door desperate to pound some flesh.
In the morning, the angels took Lot, his wife, and two single daughters, and led them out of the town. The two sons-in-law refused to leave. Sodom was paradise, why bother going anywhere when they had three gods to protect them from one Jewish G-d?
“Now Lot. I can’t stress this enough. It’s going to be a shit show. There’s going to be blood. Impaling. Severed limbs. Beheading. Possibly even some anal. It’s going to get nasty down there. No man, or woman, should bear witness to that kind of destruction. So, whatever you do, please do not, and I mean this, DO NOT LOOK BACK. Make a promise Lot. Swear on your daughters' lives. Pinky promise Lot.”
There’s always one. Edith couldn’t resist looking back and was promptly turned into a pillar of salt.
The dubious and sometime corruptable Lot had wriggled out of Sodom’s destruction. Misinformed as to the nature of the destruction, the daughters believed they were the last people remaining on the planet. Nobody gave a passing thought as to what happened to Abraham in Canaan. Nope. This was it. This was the sum total of humanity.
Tired after slogging through the desert. Traumatized by the power of G-d’s wrath. The threesome found a cave and miraculously a bottle of wine too. Feeling horny and lonely, the two daughters got Lot plastered as they stripped down naked and had a good old, end-of-the-world incestuous frolic with their Dad. Each took turns to ride the gigglestick for mankind.
“Future generations will thank us,” said one daughter to the other.
Both spawned a child.
One was called Moab, and the other was named Ben Ami. Descendents from Moab would include Ruth, King David, and the Moshiach himself.
Lot. Hero or villain? It’s complicated.