This Is What You Get For Being A Bad-Ass Mofo

Parsha Acharei Mot

Parsha Acharei Mot Summary: The reenactment of the death of Aaron’s two sons from G-d overload. There’s a new law about watching Porn Hub and then humping your siblings and we learn Azazel the Scapegoat is cursed with the sins of man and made to wander to a lonely place for 364 days of the year.

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Long before Moses descended Mount Sinai, before the Egyptians met their match with water, before Joseph adorned a brightly colored coat and tried to make all the boys jealous. A time before Abraham was up to no good with an attempted sacrifice of his firstborn. Before any of that shit happened, even before Noah sank his life savings into a giant ark and warned the world of a flood…there was Azazel.

Azazel was badass.

A spirited angel who loved to wear make-up and paint women’s bodies. Azazel, a horny goat of an angel worshipped warfare. He could bench press over 800kg and outsprint all mortals be they on horse, elephant, or oversized rhinos. Azazel was mighty and powerful.

In his spare time, when he wasn’t out beheading or ripping apart men with his bare hands, Azazel loved to teach. He was a giver. A spreader of knowledge. He enjoyed sharing information that would help mankind be more creative in the art of murder. Azazel ran a metal workshop. He showed man how to create swords, knives, shields, and coats of mail. He would help test the strength of each item by sacrificing slaves captured in battle. He relished ‘Berserker Friday’ where captives were lined up by the hundreds before he tore their heads off and doused himself in the blood of his victims.

Azazel celebrated equality. He taught women the art of deception by painting faces and ornamenting their bodies. He reveled in the physical beauty of both sexes. He was the first angel to introduce hair dye, perfecting blonde streaks that would become the signature style of the late 20th century. He was also a great champion of eyeliner and eyebrow tinting. Without Azazel’s teachings, women would never have learned how to apply makeup or the art of grooming.

Before Azazel, humans were a disheveled breed, dirty and unkempt.

Azazel’s influence was arguably greater than G-d’s. He showed people the secrets of witchcraft. The art of spellbinding. He loved to please a crowd with his signature mega-cauldron mix of bat wings and monkey brains. An epic potion that transformed a humble pet cat into a ferocious perfumed lion. It smelt of daisies and warm summer nights.

But some angels didn’t like Azazels influence.

They complained to G-d about his manners. They said his eating habits at the table were disgusting. He chewed with his mouth open and would often eat the carcass of man. They claimed Azazel was leading humans into wickedness and impurity. Allegations of unsanctioned sacrifices were reported back to the House of G-d. They postulated Azazels influence over debauched parties held every Sunday eve where naked bodies became entangled and wine was consumed by the barrel load. Azazel preferred the company of man and many of the angels weren’t invited to his shindigs.

Finally, G-d had enough.

At the Lord’s command, Archangel Raphael led a revolt against Azazel. In mid-stream, with his back turned, a group of angels jumped Azazel. It took over 50 of them to hold him down. A furious Azazel was bound naked, by hand and foot and dragged to the jagged rocks of Beth Ḥadudo. There they chained him for eternity or until the Great Day of Judgement, whatever comes first.

Many centuries passed and the legend of Azazel was all but forgotten.

But G-d remembered.

He recalled Azazel laughing in his face as he disobeyed direct orders to stop teaching mankind about war. He remembered, being horrified at the sight of Azazel’s dimpled bottom whenever he commanded him to stop fornicating with the daughters of Eve. G-d loathed Azazel’s corrupting influence.

And so it came to pass, the former seducer of men and women, whose name was an affront to G-d, would hereby be known as a goat.

“Aaron shall cast lots upon the two goats: one lot for G‑d, and one lot for Azazel.” Leviticus 16:8

Azazel literally means ‘scapegoat’. G-d’s little joke. It is rumored that The Lord laughed about his ruling for decades.

On Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement, the priests were instructed to take two goats. The better-looking goat would be sacrificed to G-d and its blood sprinkled in the Holies of Holies. A great honor for any goat wanting recognition in the eyes of the Lord.

The other goat. The malnourished, shit-breathing, stink of a goat. A goat so hideous that its own mother rejected it, was to be renamed Azazel and “dispatched by the hand of an appointed man into the wilderness; and the goat shall bear upon it all their sins to a barren land.”

The poor scapegoat, Azazel, would be pushed and shoved, with its hair tugged to hasten its departure into the wilderness. The burden of sin loaded onto the goat with every touch by the crowd. This was to be Azazel’s fate. Forgotten and no longer worshipped by man and transformed into the embodiment of sin as a goat.

Long after the Children of Israel had stopped wandering the desert, the Yom Kippur ritual of goat exile continued with even greater mockery. Twelve miles from Jerusalem, at the bottom of the valley of the rock of Bet Ḥadudo, the shattered goat would arrive. A signal would be sent back to the city by the waving of shawls. The people of Jerusalem would then celebrate with boisterous hilarity.

Azazel, chained for eternity to the rock of Bet Hadudo, would find himself surrounded by goats. A final mockery by G-d and a reminder to Azazel of the consequences of his actions.