The One Where Moses Bores Everybody with the Finer Details
Parshat Mishpatim
“Listen up people. G-d wants you to do AND understand.”
So began Moses as he recounted the finer details of the commandments in what one wag described as “the longest bore-fest since Noah ran out of board games in the ark.”
Revelation after revelation was heard.
Each passage demanded full attention from the Tribe of the Chosen. And there was some shocking news too. The new government of G-d was coming down hard on slave ownership, seducing young women, and letting your oxen roam free.
Samuel Goldsmith, the former slave who built an empire trading flesh in Egypt, who only went along with the Exodus because he had the hots for Rebecca, his best mate’s wife, had a few questions.
As the largest slave owner this side of Egypt, why was he being penalized? Did he really have to free all 261 slaves after seven years? And the slave girls too, especially Delilah? He paid good money for her with an eye on the future as a possible bride for his youngest son. Does he really need to set her free too?
Samuel wasn’t happy.
“If you purchase a Hebrew slave . . .” (21:2)
“Sammy, relax bro. Moses said it only applied to Hebrew slaves. Technically, most of yours are Egyptian and a couple of Ehtiopians, no biggy. Although, it does say abuse is outlawed. No more smacking a tooth or an eye out or else the non-Hebrew slave goes free. Tough break man. I know how you like to enforce the law.”
Samuel couldn’t be consoled.
At least he could continue the seduction of Gertrude, his neighbor’s daughter. She wasn’t as hot as her Mom, Rebecca, but if he squinted, she gave a passable impression. Coveting your neighbor's wife was a no-no and Sammy was upset to hear impregnating the daughter meant marriage or paying out a dowry according to G-d’s law.
“Sod’s law more like,” thought Sammy. Life was simpler when he lived in Egypt.
The lobbyists for capital punishment were super happy. G-d’s new laws was everything they could possibly have imagined.
“…an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot; a burn for a burn, a wound for a wound, a bruise for a bruise.” Exodus 21:24
It was now G-d’s law that any person committing murder was to be executed except when it was unintentional and there were no witnesses. If this happened, the Holy Ladder of Justice was to be brought forth outside the Inn of Fine Intentions where the accused was made to climb the ladder while an unintentional killer squatted underneath. When the murderer with bad intentions plummeted to his death, his fall was broken by the unintentional killer. The murderer would die instantly.
If a man falls off a ladder and kills a murderer and nobody hears. Did the execution happen?
Later years would see large crowds gather outside the Inn to watch the spectacle. It was a fun show full of jeopardy. It led to a rash of thrill-seekers unintentionally killing people just so they could plunder to a non-death on the Holy Ladder of Justice. It was an entertaining way to spend the seventh day.
There were further laws about fatal ox goring, lending money, and eating rotten carcasses gorged upon by animals — a delicacy in East Egypt where regurgitated wolf meat was a big seller.
Keen to enforce a police state, bad words or cursing against judges became a punishable offense. Witchcraft, prevalent in pre-Exodus times, telling fibs in court as a Professional Witness, and oppressing strangers were also prohibited.
“You shall not oppress a stranger; for you know the feelings of a stranger, since you were strangers in the land of Egypt.”
Humping thy neighbor's camel, dog, oxen or any other beast was a punishable offense too.
A majority ruling was required if you wanted to assemble a mob for a midnight trawl through the suburbs with flaming torches as long as there was justification and hard evidence and not a lean towards doing evil.
G-d did offer incentives though for being good and obeying the commandments.
“Behold, I send an angel before you, to guard you on the way, and to bring you to the place which I have prepared . . . to the [land of] the Emorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Canaanites, the Hivites and the Jebusites; and I will destroy them . . .
I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate, and the wild beasts multiply against you. Little by little will I drive them out from before you, until you increase and inherit the land.
I will set your boundaries from the Red Sea to the Sea of the Philistines, and from the desert to the river.”
The Chosen now had G-d’s promises in writing. What could possibly go wrong?
PART TWO
As Moses talked to the Chosen People, he had a sudden flashback.
He could feel the gazebo begin to spin and the heat rise from the ground sucking him into a fiery pit.
“To Moses, He said, “Go up to G‑d . . .” (24:1)
And Moses was back.
He was there on top of Mount Sinai listening intently to the word of G-d. He could feel the midst. The warm envelope of the cloud that hung above Mount Sinai. He could feel the ache in his stomach and the scorched lips upon his tongue. He was back in the presence of G-d.
Deep down, Moses despaired at the thought of spending another 40 days and nights listening to the word of G-d rabbiting on about commandments and the need to build proper ventilation around the altar.
“I know thou shall not take your name in vain, but what fuckery is this that I’m bequeathed another hearing of thy laws? Haven’t I already agreed, in theory, to all that you request?”
“SILENCE MOSHE! You are ruining the flashback. It is not easy to create a world in six days and then receive little thanks. The same applies to the exodus. I AM G-D. Can’t I indulge in reliving one of my favorite moments?”
Moses rubbed his eyes. His hand was numb from writing 613 commandments. His face ached from over-smiling. His ears rung standing too close to the angel choir blasting their trumpets. They had no idea how to carry a tune. He was so close to wrapping up the meeting with the Chosen People back at the base of Mount Sinai. Everybody had agreed in principle to do what G-d was asking.
“and they said: “All that G‑d has spoken, we will do, and we will hear.” Exodus 24:3
“Sorry G-d, can you repeat that? I may have misheard…”
“An altar Moshe. I want you to build me an altar. No iron. Can’t stand that shit. I couldn’t help noticing a lovely spot at the foot of Mount Sinai, next to some palms. It’s like a mini-oasis and it smells divine. One of my better creations. When you get back down, build an altar in that spot and prepare gifts.”
“Gifts? What kind of gifts?”
“Moshe, you are so literal. I can tell we’re going to have trouble with that whole ‘eye for an eye’ line, not your best translation by the way. Not gifts, Moshe, more like sacrifices. I love the aroma of fresh blood. I want to feel the animal’s pain. See its dying breath. I want to know if the sacrifice is real. I want to smell the authenticity. And then…”
“Dear G-d, there is more?”
“…and then, sprinkle the fresh blood over the altar and all over the people of Israel.”
“Why?”
“Don’t dare question me, Moshe! If anyone asks, tell them it’s a sign of their covenant with G-d.”
Moses came to, fanned by Joshua, with Aaron looking troubled by his side. It had been a long day and Moses needed rest. He needed some ‘me time’. With a quick glance back at his notes, Moses could see he only had 10 more commandments to go.
Gently lifted back onto his feet, Moses raised his arms for silence, found the clicker thingy, and continued his PowerPoint presentation.
“And the Lord said…”