The One Where Moses Nukes the Egyptian Army
Parshat Beshalach
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
There’s this Pharoah, right? And he’s mean, right? Real nasty prick but it’s not his fault. He’s had a tough time lately with some slaves. It never used to be like that. He could quite happily launch a decree and slaughter all male children of slaves without any repercussions whatsoever.
But then he has this massive change of heart after the Jew G-d smites his son with an instant-death-kill-ray. Not thinking straight, he releases the entire slave population and tells them all to fuck off and leave him alone.
Pharoah then wants to build a massive monument to his beloved firstborn only to realize there no slaves to do any of the donkey work.
“Was it a union? I fucking hate it when they get together and create a union. Was it? I bet it was that prick Solomon. He’s always causing trouble. “Whatabout Workers rights Pharoah?” Fuck off Soli. I’m in charge here.”
“Ummm…no, oh Great God of All Egypt and Most Devine One. You were upset and let the Hebrews go…”
Right?
What’s a Pharoah to do? You got to save face right? You can’t sit there like some numpty and pretend somebody misheard you. You need to act and act fast.
And that’s where Parshat Beshalach kicks in.
They could not drink of the waters of Marah, because they were bitter (15:23)
Because they — the children of Israel — were bitter, everything they tasted was bitter to them — Chassidic saying
Jews. Never happy with their lot. Always complaining. Always have to find something wrong. Always with the moans and groans. It doesn’t help that G-d decided to take the long way around. Any fool can walk through a desert in twenty years. It takes real discipline to do it in forty.
The quickest route out of Egypt would be straight through the Land of the Philistines. Shit. Those Philistines were big. And angry. And they hated Jews. They loved to wage war and fight to the death. Their national pastime was slaughtering children while singing songs of praise. Nope…best avoid that route and head through “the desert by the Sea of Reeds.” More scenic.
And G-d said unto Moses:
“On your way, can you pick up Joseph’s bones? I promised that lad a decent burial in the land of milk and honey. Thanks, Moshe.”
Meanwhile, back in Egypt, G-d decides to provoke Pharoah even more and ‘hardens his heart’. Realizing how much he fucked up allowing his entire slave class to take unpaid vacation, Pharoah dons battle gear and rides out into the desert.
He doesn’t even have to worry about tracking the Jews down. A great big pillar of cloud highlights exactly where they are going. “They may be Master Builders, but them Jews can’t navigate for shit,” smirks Pahroah embarking on the scenic route.
Spotting the massive dustball behind them, the Jews begin to wail once again.
“They said to Moses: “Are there no graves in Egypt, that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? Why have you done this to us, to carry us out of Egypt?
“Is not this the word that we told you in Egypt, saying: ‘Let us alone, that we may serve Egypt’? For it would have been better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the wilderness.””
“Fuck sake. Enough with the moaning. G-d promised salvation. He said there’s a lan of milk and honey. He said he’ll protect you…but no. All you people want to do is moan about how shitty your freedom is and how hard it is trekking in a desert. Give me a break will you?
“G‑d shall fight for you, and you shall be silent.”
“The children of Israel went into the midst of the sea on the dry ground (14:22)”
This is the part where the Hebrews stand back in awe as the Red Sea splits in two right? Miracles aren’t easy. Sometimes it takes a while. It’s not like the movies where the sea instantly splits apart and everybody jollies along with tears of joy as they escape the fast-approaching horde of Egyptians. You need more faith.
Nobody was willing to enter the sea.
Sure, there’s Moses doing his thing, holding up his rod, pretending the sea has split. That’s the dream. The reality? It was still a fucking sea. Nothing had happened.
“Bollocks this,” said Nachshon the son of Aminadav, “if Moshe says the sea has split, then that’s good enough for me.”
And off he strides into the water.
Soaked but unperturbed, Nachshon marched onwards until the water was up to his nose. Only then did the Red Sea split in two and the land became dry. And who should follow Nachson? Who was brave enough to cater after a madman into the waters? Whose belief was unwavering despite being confronted by the churning waters? The daughters of Israel that’s who!
The Egyptians were late to the party.
Having failed to call an Uber, the Egyptian army was slowed down by G-d. Not content with illuminating the Hebrews with light to aid their journey, a cloud of darkness enveloped the Egyptians. It made going to the toilet a very unpleasant experience. As for taking the scenic route, there wasn’t much to see when your world is nothing but night.
Unfashionably late, the Egyptians galloped into the world’s first, most obvious trap. Was Pharoah really surprised when the sea wall came crashing down, drowning every man and beast in sight?
Pharoah’s Chief Advisor, soon to be executed for smugness, turned to the Pharoah saying “I told you this was a bad idea. Would you listen to me? No. I mean, I’m ONLY your Chief Advisor. It’s not as if I’ve had over twenty years of experience in this role. I TOLD you this could only end one way.”
“The waters returned, and covered the chariots, the horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh that came into the sea after them.” (14:28)
On shore, the faithful womenfolk, the maidens of belief, the young girls with courage in their hearts, whipped out their tambourines and danced their best moves in honor of the one true G-d.
Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a tambourine in her hand; and all the women went out after her with tambourines and with dances (15:20)
Who grabs a tambourine when you are fleeing for your life? Righteous women who believe in G-d, that’s who. Did you not see who entered the waters after Nachshon?
“Great. You saved us from the Pharoah. Awesome work Moses. You destroyed their army. Drowned them real good. But what’s your plan now? More wandering the desert? Admit it, you’re lost and now we’ve got no more water and we’re all going to die. What the fuck were you thinking? Is this really how your G-d saves us? By letting us all die of thirst, lost in a desert?”
Will there be no end to their moaning?
“Look, there’s water over there. Drink that.”
“Is that a joke Moses? Three fucking days we’ve trekked and you bring us to this shithole. Moira? Maran? Marah?
“Marah.”
“Who gives a shit? The water is fucked. It’s bitter. It tastes crap and we can’t drink any of it. We’re all exhausted. The women have done nothing but dance and sing all fucking night…for three days Moses! They are sooooo demanding! I just want to crush their fucking tambourines. I can’t sleep. I’m tired. We’re all going to die.”
“Chill bro. I got this. See that tree over there? Dump that into the water and all will be sweet.”
Sure enough, a tree is exactly what you need to turn bitter water into sweet nectar.
On the party treks. They pass through Elim where the food was plentiful and the springs were many. Everybody was happy in Elim. Everybody loved Elim but there’s a schedule to keep and a land of milk and honey to reach.
Onwards they go. Aimlessly wandering the desert until the food runs out. Cue more tears, more wailing, and more moans from the non-believers. The peanut gallery is out for blood.
“Would that we had died by the hand of G‑d in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the fleshpots, and when we ate our fill of bread; for you have brought us out into this wilderness, to kill this whole community with hunger.”
As if one miracle isn’t enough. Did they not witness the ten plagues of biblical proportions? What about that pillar of light? Or the sea splitting in two? Did the Hebrews not see any of that? What’s a prophet to do?
“G-d, why are we bothering to rescue this ungrateful mob? Every day they moan at me, testing my patience.
“It’ll be worthwhile in the end. Have faith Moshe, the Hebrtews will come good. I’ve been baking. I’ll send down my unlimited supply of manna. I call it ‘Manna from Heaven’. Catchy right? Don’t take more than you need, it goes off real fast.”
The trek continues until the tribe reaches yet another shithole, Rephidim. Again, there’s a significant lack of water.
“Moses, have another word with G-d. We’re all dying of thirst here. I don’t want to be that man who complains all the time, but the situation is dire. This is seriously fucked up. Why bring us here, to this damnation of a town — is it even a town? — and then have no water. What the fuck Moses?”
Moses, fearing for his life, believing they were about to stone him, begs G-d for another miracle. Once again, He delivers via a rock that spurts water. Moses calls the place Massah U’Merivah — Test and Strife.
Finally, one last drama befalls the Hebrews.
When you are no longer hungry, no longer dying of thirst, and living your best life as a free man and woman, along comes doubt in the shape of Amalek.
“Amalek is the essence of doubt, of irrational challenge to truth. (Thus the Hebrew word Amalek has a numerical value of 240 — the same as the word safek, “doubt”). Because the people of Israel had succumbed to the Amalek within their own souls, they became vulnerable to attack by Amalek the nation.” (The Chassidic Masters)
Amalek is pissed the Jews have camped on his land. Sure, the land was worthless, dry as a…well, dry as a desert. And then those people show up, break open a rock and suddenly the Rephidim is a thriving oasis.
Amalek goes to war on the tribe.
“Fuck me. If it wasn’t one thing it’s another. We’re not built for fighting. Save us, Moses! Do that trick again where you drown everybody!”
Moses has a word with G-d who tells him to head to a mountaintop. When he’s comfortable, hold up your rod in both arms. While your arms are up, the Jews will win. When you get tired and your arms fall, the battle will be lost.
“Another test? Haven’t I done enough? Why am I always suffering for you? Can’t you just smite Amalek? Why must we go through this whole ‘testing’ palaver?”
“Because Moshe, I am G-d.”
The Parshah ends with Moses cheating. Aaron and Hur (Miriam’s son) place two giant rocks under Moses’s arms allowing him to keep them up until the sun goes down.
Joshua defeats Amalek with the final word going to G-d:
G‑d said to Moses: “Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: that I will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under the heaven.”
Your style of telling this is excellent. I would really like to share this; however, a few words peppered throughout are offensive and need redacting. They can be replaced by more civil words. Do you have a Thesaurus? Look up a word, and choose a different one that suits what you are trying to say.