The Questionable Metaphors of Hosea the Entitled

Parsha Bamidbar

Parsha Bamidbar Summary: The first portion of the book of Numbers is all about… numbers. A census is conducted as all the tribes are counted. Men are counted. Firstborns and children are counted. Levites are granted a special count and no one mentions the women except Hosea the Entitled. G-d also instructs the men of Israel where to camp and with who.

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This week’s parsha will be based on the Haftarah of Hosea (selection from one of the biblical books of the Prophets which concludes the service).

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Hosea wasn’t always an arsehole, he was the product of his time.

He wasn’t invited to many parties which led him to the local brothel where the women were more attentive to his needs.

Hosea became enraptured with one particular prostitute and desperately wanted to spend his days drinking from her cup. A preacher marrying a harlot is a strict no-no, unless, of course, G-d gives you instructions to do so.

“…the Lord said to Hosea: Go, take yourself a wife of harlotry and children of harlotry, for the land goes astray from following the Lord.” Hosea (1:2)

And so it came to pass, in between denouncing the locals as idolaters and fornicators and all-round bad, bad people, Hosea got wed to Gomer.

It didn’t stop him from preaching.

“There is swearing and lying and killing and stealing and committing adultery; they break all bounds, and blood touches blood.” (4:2)

The Northern Kingdom of Israel was in decline. People were nasty. Shit was going down and nobody cared. Hosea didn’t ask to be a spokesman for G-d, but once he found his calling, he couldn’t stop preaching.

Hosea condemned the followers of Baal, the fertility god and close friend of moisture. Baal liked his altars to be heavenly (and heavily) lubricated. He called for sinners to repent or suffer severe consequences.

“the people “sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind” (8:7)

Not mincing his words, Hosea described in detail how G-d would become a lion, or a she-bear and rip pregnant women open and dash their infants into pieces. G-d would stand back and let their nation be destroyed and all the people taken into captivity.

Somewhere between 760-720 BC, Hosea found his wife cheating on him. Who didn’t?

Regretting her decision to marry, Gomer soon realized just how much of an arsehole Hosea was. He had promised the world but instead publicly stripped her naked and condemned their children. Hosea names their firstborn son, Jezreel meaning ‘valley’ and ‘G-d sows’.

“Your quim is a valley in which men are lost and your desire is never fulfilled,” he may have said, smirking. “And my cock is a weapon from G-d, for I have sown His seed unto you and you have multiplied!”

She then bears him a daughter but Hosea is unsure of her lineage. He believes Gomer is messing around with other men. There’s little trust in this abusive relationship. He names the daughter Lo-ruhamah, ‘unloved’ or ‘pitied’.

By the time a third child arrives, Hosea is convinced of Gomer’s infidelity and names this son, Lo-ammi, ‘not my people’. The child bore the full force of Hosea’s paranoia and was shamed by all the townsfolk. The patriarchy was strong in biblical times.

Gomer fought back.

She called him inadequate and promised to return to not one, but ALL her lovers. She mocked his tiny appendage and ridiculed his obsessive behavior.

It didn’t take Gomer long before she returned to her old, lustful, and wicked ways. Her harlotry was certainly a better life than living with tight-fisted, boring, pug-ugly Hosea. She could eat as much as she pleased and fuck who she wanted. Her clients gave her bread, water, wool, flax, oil, and as much drink as she liked. Gomer knew how to party.

She was very popular down the local tavern.

“Go on then…fuck off! You’ll soon realize that it is I who provides all the bread and wine you love so much. That it is I who supplies your oil and wool and the flax you hungrily devour. I am the breadwinner! I’m the provider!”

As Gomer left the house, Hosea shouted after her, "Upon her children I will have no pity, because they are children of whoredom" (2:4)

Hosea divorced Gomer but the pull of womanly goods was too hard to resist.

He soon forgives her wantonly ways and welcomes her back with open arms. Hosea is a nice guy and deserves full recognition for his benevolence and forgiving nature. Good on you, Hosea. Alas, Hosea has to cough up a fee from one of her many admirers to buy Gomer back. Nobody wants to give up a good lay.

Hosea the Entitled is overcome.

He buys the woman he loves with fifteen pieces of silver and a bale of barley. A heavy price to pay for the mother of his unwanted children. She is now, officially, his property. He can do what he wishes. Not wanting to rush straight back into the old routine, Hosea declares celibacy for a couple of weeks and settles down into married life.

“And I said to her: 'You shall remain as mine for many days; you shall not play the harlot, and you shall not belong to another man; so will I be towards you.” (3:3)

What a man.

Hosea’s legacy lived on in his writings. He governed his ministry for sixty years and would later be described by the Talmud (a compilation of ancient teachings regarded as sacred) as the greatest prophet of his generation.

Hosea’s wife, Gomer, would forever be known as the ‘whore’ (King James Bible), ‘harlot’ (New American Standard Bible), or the ‘promiscuous woman’ (New International version).

Her unfortunate children were never spoken of again.