The Rebellious Teen Stoned to Death
Parsha Ki Teitzei
Parsha Summary: G-d reiterates 74 of the six hundred plus laws in case the Chosen had forgotten who was in charge. Among the laws were the fate of ugly women who were to be left on the battlefield. Bizarrely, only the beautiful were permitted to be swept away by the Israelites and dumped when boredom set in. A forced union on an unmarried woman was punishable by marriage for ‘all of his days’, and kidnapping became legal as long as one fails to make a profit. Finally, G-d asks everybody to remember the Amaleks and their evil ways in order to curse their name for a thousand years.
“There never was nor ever will be a stubborn and rebellious son.” Shimon bar Yochai
Charlie was an ordinary boy.
He lived an ordinary life in an ordinary tent, with ordinary parents. He went to an ordinary Sunday School studying a very ordinary portion of the Torah for his Bar mitzvah. He ate ordinary food without any spice and enjoyed watching tumbleweeds blow in a Northwesterly direction, neither moving fast nor slow but at an ordinary pace.
Life was unexceptional for Charlie who was loved by both his parents and the wider tribe. They enjoyed Charlie’s stable, ordinary outlook on life.
Then Charlie grew a pube.
Hair sprouted from unexpected places. His armpits became caverns of fungi and odor. His face broke out into pimples. His voice dramatically dropped several octaves shocking his Auntie into assaulting him with a frying pan. She sensed stranger danger.
As Charlie’s limbs grew disproportionately with his body, his attitude to life shifted. The other boys in the camp were in awe of Charlie and his forest of pubes. He became a focal point for their teenage dreams.
Charlie, two months short of becoming a man, was considered out of control.
At night, Charlie took to fermenting large chunks of cacti. The distillation was completed in days with a brew so potent it put even more hairs on Charlie’s face. Just shy of his 13th birthday, Charlie had a full-blown beard bushier than the wild bushy minx of Cairo famed for its legendary bushiness and inexplicable talent for shooting out the bushiest of bushy furballs.
Unemployed, Charlie stole shekels from his parents to fund his extravagant lifestyle.
Nighttime was for parties and drinking gallons upon gallons of wine. He consumed copious amounts of red meat gleaned from the rump of a camel and glazed with Caanite liquid honey. He was the Master of the Feast. The unstoppable force of gluttony. He binged and binged until the daylight broke over the mountains and Charlie collapsed in a drunken heap somewhere near the Wells of Broken Sores. A popular pre-teen hotspot for rebellious children.
His parents were frightened.
Charlie no longer listened to their voice. He ignored their pleas to study the Torah. His uncouth manner shocked his mum. His foul language intimidated the cousins and his poor hygiene was detrimental to shagging his best friend’s sister.
Broken, his parents turned to the Elders of the city for advice.
“Oi, for shame,” cried his Father, “my most beloved of sons and heir to my humble yet ordinary fortune is out of control. Please help us.”
Being very old and a touch senile, the Eldest of the Elders naturally consulted G-d for guidance.
“Is he a guzzler?” asked G-d.
“Yes, I believe the boy can swallow copious amounts of hard liquor. They play a game with floaty balls and cups. I hear it’s quite fun.”
“Is he a glutton?”
“Oi vey! Is he!? Our portions of camel meat for the week are all gone and it’s only Monday!”
“And this boy, Charlie, does he listen and obey his parents?”
“I wouldn’t be here if he did.”
“Then this is what you shall do;
“And all the men of his city shall pelt him to death with stones, and he shall die. So shall you clear out the evil from among you, and all Israel will listen and fear.” Deuteronomy 21:21
The yet-to-become-a-man, Charlie, was led to the outskirts of the city and promptly stoned to death.
No more would Charlie corrupt the minds of the youth or disobey his parents. Other members of his gang took note and promised to study hard their Torah verses and to never, ever, consume vast quantities of wine and food on their parent’s credit cards.
The Talmud would later propose that conditions for a youth stoned to death would be impossible. Not only would the youth have to be within three months of his Bar mitzvah, steal money, consume a tremendous amount of expensive wine and meat, and eat and drink in one go, away from his parent’s house, but the parents need to have identical voices, a similar appearance, and equal height.
The last stoning took place in 4291 BC when Casey and Cathy, illegally married identical twins, informed the Elders of the Hebron Hillbilly Society their son was disrespectful and guzzling all their moonshine. The stoning took place shortly after dawn on a Tuesday.
"the wild bushy minx of Cairo, famed for its legendary bushiness..."
I think this is your best one of these yet- the surrealism is hilarious.