The Succession of Joshua
Parsha Nitzavim and Vayelech
Parsha Summary: It’s a double dose of Parsha misery this week. Moses, the man who can never be quiet, makes one final speech as he receives a gold watch for his services to the Israelites. A tearful Moses is then informed of his GOAT status by G-d who turns to Joshua and declares his future leadership as futile. The Chosen will stray and nobody will ever be as great as Moses. “Teach them this song, Moshe,” G-d says, “It will help remind the people who is in charge.”
CRACK was the bone-crushing sound as Joshua angrily smashed his shield into the face of a Caanite.
SWISH went his blade as he sliced an arm clean from its socket of an advancing soldier.
THUD went his spear as it impaled another warrior desperately trying to defeat Joshua.
This was Mad Joshua. This was enraged Joshua. This was Joshua taking out his pent-up frustration on every Caanite unfortunate to cross his path. This should have been Joshua’s crowning glory. He should have been happy. Content. Fulfilled. And yet the thought gnawed at him. Nibbled upon his ego and slowly eroded his good faith.
In the midst of the battle, Joshua’s mind was elsewhere. He recalled his conversation with Moses, his mentor, a man Joshua respected and trusted. A man he was to succeed upon his death.
Joshua had served his time counting shekels in the back rooms of Egypt. He was to be anointed Master of the Kingdom, Surveyor of the Golden Apples, and Overlord of the Shakshoukas.
“I’m sorry, Yoshi, but this is all futile. It’s pointless. You can call me bitter and a little depressed, but I heard it from G-d. Everything you do from hence day forth, will be a complete waste of time. The Lord said to me,
“This people will thereupon go astray after the alien gods in their midst, in the land that they are about to enter; they will forsake Me and break My covenant that I made with them.” (31:16)
It matters little how great a leader you will become, how many armies you conquer, or how much land you claim. It’s inconsequential. The Israelites are doomed to fail. This is their fate and yours too.”
Why would Moses tell him that?
This should be the greatest moment of his life. He had served G-d diligently since the days of the great Exodus.
He was there when the sea parted and the fishies swam backward in desperation while all the Egyptians goggled in disbelief, drowning in sight of the Chosen People.
He was there, proudly by the side of Moses, ears covered for protection as they received the word from G-d on Mount Sinai. Brothers in prophesy bar the fact he was yet to prophesize or have any visions in his sleep.
He was there, the Commander-in-Chief against the Amalekites in Rephidim. A battle so bloody, so victorious, women flung soiled undergarments and crusty pita bread while singing glorious songs about him.
And when people tried to cross the threshold into the grand Tent of Meeting, he was there to make sure nobody entered unless they were on the guest list.
Joshua had served his time. He had earned the right to lead and create a legacy for the ages. He had no doubts in his mind until Moses spoke to him.
Joshua punched another Caanite square in the jaw. The man yelped like a dog before crumbling to the floor. It didn’t help his mood. Thanks to G-d, he was invincible. “No one shall be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5)
Why bother fighting if no man could harm him?
Joshua was spiraling into an existential crisis. Do the Chosen People even need a leader in battle? Their entire army came with a guarantee from G-d. They couldn’t be defeated. He couldn’t be killed. Their enemies were visibly trembling as they lined up against them. This wasn’t fair.
“Yoshi, “when I am dead, you (the people) will act wickedly and turn away from the path that I enjoined upon you, and that in time to come misfortune will befall you for having done evil in the sight of G-d, whom you vexed by your deeds.”” (31:29)
“It is written,” replied Moses to Joshua, “There’s little you can do. It is all foreseen, Baruch Hashem.”
Joshua, the son of Nun, custodian of the tent, lover of large grapes, and the recently appointed Leader of the Israelites, seized to fight. At that moment a thousand arrows pinged off him, five dozen charging horses narrowly skidded past him, two hundred spears bounced off his armor and one lone pigeon failed to poop upon his head.
Joshua looked towards the heavens and cursed loudly against the cacophony of battle.
“From this day forth,” declared Joshua as his voice boomed across the battleground, “I pledge my undying allegiance to you my Lord. Give me more daylight so I can slaughter thy enemies. Send me large hailstones to crush their forces. All this my Lord, in thy name. And I will piss upon their bones and devour their chickens, their cows, and their peculiar horses with a horn affliction upon their crown. All this I shall do, for I doubt thee not.”
“And the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, until the nation took vengeance on their enemies.” (Joshua 10:13)
Up in Heaven, G-d turned to Moses.
“So much trouble you cause, Moshe. It was a private conversation. I told you to deliver a song for the people to sing and you go and tell Yoshi, ‘Life is pointless.’ You know, Moshe, sometimes you can be a real prick.”
With that, G-d hurled several thousand large stones from heaven at the retreating armies as far as Azekah. It is said, that the hailstones killed more than the swords of the Israelites that day, Baruch Hashem.
"...sometimes you can be a real prick." What a punchline!
I came her to say sometimes you can be a real prick jostled something loose in my memory - maybe Billy Connolly? I went looking, and rediscovered The Crucifixion. My mum and dad had this on an LP, and I recall sitting in our freezing flat in Pollokshaws, my family with me, laughing at his outrageous irreligious humour. If you can handle the Glasgow accent, it's still absolutely hilarious (at least to the Scottish ear). So, no, I didn't track down the "Sometimes you can be a real prick" ear worm, but it was another ripper of installment, and I got to revisit old times :)