There Be Giants Over There
Parsha Shelach
Parsha Shelach Summary: Twelve spies are sent to Canaan to suss out the territory but only two return unafraid. The other ten cause widespread panic in the camp with talk of giants and grapes as big as a camel’s nut. Nobody wants to fight until G-d mentions the punishment and suddenly a select few locate their balls. And in a distant field, the ‘Stick-Gatherer’ is reported to the Secret Police and meets an unpleasant fate.
Tzelafchad stood alone in a field full of sticks.
There were thousands of them. Long sticks with pointy ends. Knobbly sticks with gnarled twig attachments. Brown sticks fading in the desert light. Massive sticks best categorized as tree trunks shredded by the weather and random bursts of lightning. Sticks everywhere.
For the last week, Tzelafchad had little to smile about, but now, alone in a field of a thousand sticks, he grinned like a fool discovering the taste of tahini-drenched falafels for the first time.
Stick gathering would be the final act of Tzelafchad’s life.
“See the land, what it is; and the people who dwell in it, whether they are strong or weak, few or many. And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it is good or bad; and what cities they dwell in, whether in the open or in strongholds. And what the land is, whether fat or lean, whether there are trees in it, or not.
“Be of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land.” 13:18
Mass hysteria was the only way to describe the chaos.
Moses had sent twelve spies to Canaan on a fishing expedition and upon their return, all hell had broken loose.
The men, hand-picked by the great general, were considered the finest, most courageous, and fearless advocates of their tribe. The last thing Moses expected after forty days of foraging were tales of giants and overgrown fruit.
The spy-spun stories had terrified the community.
Phil ben Gurion, a man known in the camp for his culinary delights, had accidentally grated his left testicle after hearing the shocking news. He wasn’t the only one with a disturbing injury. Sheila’s buttocks were inflamed, Jake had an eye poked out from a wayward nipple and the Tolstov twins were last seen screaming and running naked through the camp, but that may have been less to do with the news and more to do with their streak of exhibitionism.
Moses needed to act fast if he was to calm the tribe.
Picking up his sacred horn-blower hotline to G-d, Moses tooted with urgency. An impatient G-d, no longer masquerading as a cloud, listened to his complaints. Sometimes G-d is happy to receive feedback, sometimes He isn’t. And sometimes G-d simply wants to smite every human in sight. Today was such a day.
“It’s a bummer, sure,” Moses thinks as he watches ten of his hand-picked spies collapse to the floor, stricken by a sudden bout of indescribable plagueness. Within minutes, the ten lay dead on the floor, stiff as a sheet of papyrus left in the Negev sun. “I ask for calm and G-d gives me homicidal rage.”
A select committee representing the people now approached Moses.
They wanted out and feared the worse. How can normal human beings, ordinary people like themselves, average in height, defeat an entire nation of giants? They were like grasshoppers compared to them.
And if they won, how could they possibly enjoy the bounty of their success? Look at the grapes! It takes four men to carry the load. How can they eat that much food when G-d was punishing gluttony thanks to His quail overload?
“We, the people, refuse to fight.”
Moses tried to quieten them down.
“Sshhh, G-d is everywhere. He sees and hears everything. You must be careful.”
Frightened people are never silent and it didn’t take long for G-d to bestow his word upon the quivering rabble.
“The Lord said to Moses, "How long will this people provoke Me? How much longer will they not believe in Me after all the signs I have performed in their midst?
I will strike them with a plague and annihilate them; then I will make you into a nation, greater and stronger than they." 14:11-12
And Moses, on hearing the word from G-d replied:
“Why is your first reaction always nuclear? Can’t we reach some kind of compromise? Like Passover for instance? Smite the odd child in twenty? Or leprosy for the less gifted among the tribe? But death? It’s so…final.
I mean, you’ve already slaughtered ten of my best.”
Michael, the recently appointed advisory angel to G-d, agreed with Moses.
“May I make a suggestion? What if we bar a handful of those prone to panic from ever entering the Land of Milk and Honey? They clearly lack faith in your word, my Lord.”
“Yes. Great plan, Michael. Moshe, inform the plebs they will all die in the desert, and not a single member of their generation will ever set foot in the promised land.
“In this desert, your corpses shall fall; your entire number, all those from the age of twenty and up, who were counted, because you complained against Me.” 14:29
“Didn’t Michael suggest a handful?”
“Moshe, what have I said about answering back? Okay, everyone except Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun, shall die in the desert. This generation of Exodus will never see the land for which I promised.
“Your children shall wander in the desert for forty years and bear your defection until the last of your corpses has fallen in the desert.” 14:33
Aghast by the decision, a small group of war veterans teamed up to prove their courage to G-d.
This was a crack commando unit that had recently broken out of prison after being jailed by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. Still wanted by the Chosen People’s Secret Police, they survived as soldiers of fortune.
If you had a problem, if no one else could help, and if you could find them....maybe you could hire The God Squad? If not, this ragbag army led by Gideon the Tall and regular-sized Steven would have to do.
The kamikaze squadron launched the mother of all offensives on the Amalekites and the Canaanites. It wasn’t enough. They were all slaughtered. Total carnage. Not a single member survived.
On hearing the news, Moses gathered the tribe and said:
“Can everybody calm the fuck down? G-d warned you this would happen. Without His blessing, we will all die. We must have faith, my friends. I don’t want to keep giving these ‘I told you so’ speeches, baruch Hashem.”
Tzelafchad understood.
At first, the lonely widow was depressed. How could the Chosen People not be allowed into the Promised Land? How could G-d make them wander the desert for forty years? Each year representing a day the spies spent in Canaan. Where was the justice in that? Tzelafchad was filled with impotent rage. He thought G-d was supposed to be merciful. How was this judgment showing mercy?
Tzelafchad fell to his knees and wept.
“Have I not given my last gonad to the Lord? Have I not been a faithful servant when you asked for foreskin and I gave so much more? Why, Lord? Why do you punish your people so?”
Tzelafchad had a revelation.
The people had lost their way. They had lost faith in the power of G-d. They no longer believed in His miracles. In His strength. In His love.
Tzelafchad gathered his pack and took the long walk into the field of a thousand sticks. Today was a Sabbath day but Tzelafchad planned on collecting as many sticks as possible, for he, Tzelafchad, with this noble sacrifice, shall show the people that G-d is benevolent and magnificent. That His word should ALWAYS be obeyed.
The people bought Tzelafchad to the Tent of Meetings.
Tzelafchad was blatantly breaking the law of gathering on a Sabbath. He needed to be punished.
“Fine, Moshe. Instruct the people to drag his sorry ass outside and then stone him to death.”
“Death?”
“Yes. I’ve spared enough people today. If that trend continues, word will get out that I’m a lenient G-d, that I’ve grown weak. Before you know it, every Tom, Dick, and Lawrence will be driving and shopping and watching Friday night football on television right through the Sabbath. And we don’t want that, do we, Moshe?”
“Television? What is television, my Lord?”
It didn’t take long for the mob to stone Tzelafchad to death, on a Monday, for the Sabbath is for resting and not for gathering sticks.
For further satirical reading, the JPF frothed with excitement when this story surfaced from
about the fall of Jericho. A great accompaniment to this week’s Parsha.
“I ask for calm and G-d gives me homicidal rage." I'm feeling that.