What Has Moshe Ever Done For You?
Parsha Korach
Parsha Korach Summary: G-d’s foul mood extends another week as Korach attempts to lead a coup against Moses. The priest’s authority is challenged and there’s a bizarre ‘rod-off’ to prove once and for all the power of Hashem.
"Besides, in those days they had been slaves and now they were free, and that made all the difference, as Squealer did not fail to point out."
“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” Animal Farm, George Orwell.
An angry Korach stood before Moses and Aaron. The two spiritual leaders of Israel were about to be handed a heavy dose of the truth.
Korach wanted answers.
It appeared to Korach and his many followers, that Moses was siphoning off the best of everything to fill his and the high priests’ purse. Why should they get the lion’s share? What makes them more equal than the rest of the people? Korach, on the face of it, wanted equality for all.
Korach wagged his entitled finger and got right up into Moses’s grill.
“Are we not all holy, Moshe?”
“Really, Korach? When will it be enough for you? You’ve already been granted special privileges as part of the Levite tribe. What more could you possibly need?”
A bigger slice and more action from the Daughters of Israel thought Korach.
By now a crowd had gathered, eager to hear how this would play out. They all wanted a larger cut of the action, especially after learning they would be in the desert for the next forty years, dying a slow death, before never entering the promised land.
Korach was the leader of the Popular People’s Democratic Front of Judea (PPDFJ). A political movement he started in Hilda’s Mom’s kitchen as they supped chicken soup with a side order of chocolate digestives. Present were Korach, his ex-girlfriend, Hilda, and her lecherous best buddy in the friend zone, Gary.
Korach was fired up. He felt he deserved more. He didn’t want to be known as the man who dragged the ark through a desert for forty years. Chief Barer of the Ark Poles was not a job he aspired to. He felt short-changed by Moses. Why should Aaron’s youngest brother’s son, Uzziel, be appointed as a high priest? Shouldn’t Korach, eldest son to Aaron’s second oldest brother be next in line? Not that wet-behind-the-ears schmuck, Uzziel.
“Round up the people, Hilda! It’s time Moshe spreads the love! We all deserve an opportunity to become priests, well, maybe not you Hildy, women shouldn’t be near the Tabernacle, but certainly all the men.”
Hilda rolled her eyes.
An hour later, 250 men had joined the PPDFJ and were poised to listen to Korach’s maiden speech.
”Welcome comrades to the first meeting of the Popular People’s Democratic Front of Judea.
We’ve all heard the spies’ reports. We all saw what G-d did to those who opposed His word. But when, my friends, will we say enough is enough?
Moshe is leading us all astray. Isn’t time he shared the load? Are we not ALL holy in the eyes of our Lord? Why should Moshe and Aaron benefit from all our hard work? Why should we continue to support their lifestyle of excess? I ask you, comrades, what has Moshe ever done for us?”
“Led us out of slavery?”
“Okay. Sure. But did we ask for liberation? Egypt wasn’t perfect, but it WAS our home.”
“Made the streets safe at night? You know, what with him outlawing murder and all that? Remember what it used to be like?”
“Yeah. Granted. The streets are safer.”
“And no more pickpockets. I can leave my scuba gear outdoors all day long.”
“Scuba gear? In a desert? Who's going to steal that?”
“He’s made monogamy hip again! I can have a few beers down the pub knowing the missus isn’t going to cavort with my neighbor!”
“Okay. QUIET! Yes to slavery, stealing, and monogamy, but what has Moshe ever REALLY done for us?”
“Idolatry! I’m far happier within myself now I don’t have to worry about which idol I need to worship. And, to tell you the truth, I never really got into the whole Baal is Great movement. I was always more of an Anubis fan.”
“No more fratricide either.”
“And the food’s pretty good. It’s free, direct from Heaven.”
“And trade is good too. My rock hurling business has never been so popular!”
“QUIET!!! Apart from an end to slavery, leading us out of Egypt…”
“Parting the Red Sea! You got to admit, he’s pretty nifty at miracles!”
“…parting the Red Sea, outlawing stealing, murder, idolatry, and buggery. Free food and promoting free enterprise, what has Moshe ever done for us? Is this freedom? To be condemned to wander a desert for forty years and never set foot in the promised land?
This man is nothing more than a mouthpiece for G-d while he lords over us. Moses in his ivory tower untouchable in his righteousness. A charlatan who got lucky watching a bush burn! Why should one man be holier than another?
Come. Join me. Together we can overthrow the despotic rule of Moses. Together we shall rebuild this great nation. Together we shall have unity. And ONLY together will we be able to return to the Land of Milk and Honey.
As my Senior advisor Donnie ben Crump said to me over a quail lunch, ‘We will face challenges. We will confront hardships. But we will get the job done.’
Today we shall transfer power from Moshe and his select High Priests, and give it back to you, the Chosen people.
What are we waiting for, my friends?”
With those words, Korach led the rebellion straight to Moses.
The rebel alliance consisted of 250 men, ‘chieftains of the congregation, representatives of the assembly, men of repute’ (16:2) led by Korach and his bros, Dotan and Aviram.
This was to be a bloodless coup.
Unfortunately for Korach, G-d loves Moses and hates rebellion. He really should have made a commandment about it - ‘Thou Shalt Not Rebel for Rebellion Will Not Be Tolerated and All Rebels Shall Be Executed with Immediate Effect’.
G-d orders the rebels to return home and then makes an unannounced appearance in front of their dwellings. G-d warns the rubber neckers to move away from Korach, Dotan, and Aviram’s campsite before unleashing his full might.
Within an instance, the land opened up beneath the rebels and swallows them whole. All the wives, all the children, all the cousins, all the uncles, aunties, pets, and grandparents, all gone. No one was spared. Not even Tibbles the goat, the camp’s mascot.
“They, and all they possessed, descended alive into the grave; the earth covered them up, and they were lost to the assembly.” (16:33)
G-d then set fire to the 250 men of the rebel alliance. Faster than you can say ‘chamin with a side dish of latkes’, the fabled PPDFJ uprising was no more. The rebellion was crushed.
But G-d wasn’t done.
The next morning, the entire congregation assembled to complain about the punishment dished out to Korach and the rebels. It was as if, even now, after witnessing thousands of people perish after offending G-d, they still weren’t convinced of His power.
“Moshe,” spoke G-d, “I’m going to beta-test my latest plague on the undesirables. I feel I may have errored in freeing these saps from slavery. Nobody will miss their moaning and whining. They need to learn that anyone who complains against me shall die. Amiright?”
Aghast, Moses quickly handed an-all powerful antidote to Aaron.
“An incense burner?”
“Now’s not the time to argue with me, Aaron! This is the Holy Perfumed Healing Burner. A single whiff from this censer will cure all plagues! Now go! Run amok through the congregation and save as many as you can!”
Yes, Aaron, the geriatric face of Israel, a centenarian with asthma, rheumatism, and two replacement hips. This Aaron was asked to ‘run’ through the entire congregation of Israel and save as many as he could.
That day, 14,700 perished in the plague.