The Return of the Midian Whores
Parsha Matot - Masei
Parsha Matot-Masei Summary: It’s a double Parsha as the Israelites go to war in Midian. Two tribes demand land outside of Israel but get conscripted to battle in a far-off kingdom. And finally, it’s a massive holiday special flashback episode where G-d details the highs and lows of the Chosen People’s forty-year trek. This concludes the Book of Numbers.
No matter how hard he tried, Moses couldn’t stem the flow of Midian whores into the camp. It was like the Mount Sinai Love Festival all over again. Wave upon wave of Midian women were entering the camp with the blessing of the new Commander-in-Chief, Pinchas. Had he already forgotten what happened the previous week?
Pinchas, elevated to the status of High Priest in perpetuity, was unrepentant. G-d had personally awarded him hero status for spearing fornicators and now, freshly returned from battle with the Midianites, Pinchas wanted to settle into a night of rollicking fun with the boys.
Truth be told, it wasn’t much of a battle and required no more skill than simply standing in the valley blowing one’s trumpet. When you own the horn of G-d, there are very few who could withstand the deathly decibels. Plus, they had the force shield of Soddom. A most powerful weapon that decimated any foe who stood before it. Pinchas didn’t even need to unload his celebrated Genital Spear of Mutilation. Nope, this victory was assured by G-d and the best the Midian men could do was to run away.
And what should happen when a triumphant general returns from battle? A march down Mainstreet perhaps? A wild celebration with songs sung in his honor? Children asking for his autograph? Statues erected? At the very least there should be high praise from the organizing committee.
But no, all General Pinchas got was Moses whining at him for letting the Midian women back into the camp. The men needed cheering up and this was the best solution. Nothing wrong with state-organized whoring and the Midian women had a proven record of humping. Every one of them a banger!
“Moses said to them, "Did you allow all the females to live?” 15:31
“Yes, Moshe. All the single ladies. If you don’t like it, then you shouldn't have put a ring on it. Oh oh oh oh oh oh.” (Moses is married to a Midian woman).
“Nope. Uh-uh. Not happening, Pinchas. I want them all dead. Every woman who slept with a man, any man, I want dead.”
Pinchas, formerly the biggest cock-blocker in the camp, was now everybody’s favorite pimp.
“Come on, Moshe. The boys are tired. We didn't lose a single person in the battle. Super triumphant, you know? We’ve just returned from slaughtering the menfolk of Midian and need some r and r. Can’t this shit wait until morning? You know, after we’ve all had a bit of jiggy-jiggy? These are the best, most experienced women of Midian. Talent like that isn’t easy to replace.”
“All of them, Pinchas. Every woman who has slept with a man, I want executed. Every woman who bought a plague into our camp, I want dead. And when you’ve finished severing all ties with the loose women of Midian, make sure you wash every part of your body. Everywhere. And then, after seven days, I shall allow the men back into the camp.”
“Fuck sake, Moshe. You certainly know how to kill a party…”
“Ha! Says the man who literally spears people fucking. Now go, Pinchas, before G-d sees who you let back into camp.”
In the end, 32,000 women are spared. Old women. Young children and babies. Women of foul wind and a multitude of warts. Women with hunched backs. Women with an odor of strong cheese and chopped herring. And women strong enough to fight off horny Israelites.
The spoils of war also included 675,000 sheep, 72,000 heads of cattle, and 61,000 donkeys. The Midianites loved their donkeys.
A week later, Moses stood before the congregation. It was a special night marketed to the masses as ‘A Slideshow of the Greatest Moments in Jewish History’. Nosh provided by Hannah and her sisters.
“And this is Kivrot HaTaavah (“Graves of Lust”). Station 12. It was very dry.
And here is Station 13, Chatzeirot. This is where Miriam, bless her soul, talked shit against me and came down with a bout of leprosy. Remember that day, Aaron? Oh, how we laughed when her nose dropped off.
This is 14. Ritmah. And here’s 15, Rimon Peretz. I don’t recall that one. It had nice shade I think. Smooth running water. Few stones to hit.”
And on and on it went. A 42-station voyage to a tedious conclusion.
And here ends the Book of Numbers.