Zedekiah - the Last King of Judah

Parsha Behar

The Might King Zee - Feel the Power!

Parsha Behar Summary: Slaves rejoice as G-d announces a warranty expiration date after 50 years of servitude. Meanwhile, fields are subjected to rotation and rest, and land ownership amounts to nothing more than leasing from G-d.

This week’s Alternative Torah focuses on a little-known story from the Haftarah (הפטרה) which follows the Torah reading.

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Many moons after Moses had his moment on a mound, there lived a king.

This king wasn’t the brightest but he sure could spot an opportunity. He was to be the last king of Judah as prophesized by Jeremiah and his downfall led directly to the destruction of the first temple.

King Zedekiah was anointed king at the tender age of twenty-one.

Here was a young lad suddenly catapulted into the highest position in the land. Gifted with immense power by the King of Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar II, who dethroned Zedekiah’s eight-year-old nephew. Zedekiah immediately declared a national holiday and went on an almighty bender lasting several weeks that left a trail of dead animals in its wake.

King Zee was hot-headed and stubborn.

He refused to listen to his number one chief advisor, the legendary prophet, Jeremiah. To be fair, nobody liked listening to that old windbag. He was a massive killjoy. Listening to Jeremiah was the equivalent of slashing your wrists and plunging your head into a shitty bog crammed full of Egyptian waste.

King Zee wasted no time in throwing that miserable fucker into a pit.

“Let the walls grieve for his prophecy,” stated the King, “and tell that righteous little shit that I will let him out once he has some positive news!”

Jeremiah never had positive news, he hated everything. He would spend his days tutt-tutting the locals as they banged their neighbor’s daughters while worshipping their false idols shaped like swine.

“Listen up! There is an ill-wind of much foulness heading from the North. It will destroy, nay, it will decimate in totality the entire…”
”Doesn’t totality mean entire?”
”What?”
”Well, you said it will decimate in totality the entire, right? But that’s the same thing. You can’t have both.”
”Do you mind? I have a prophecy to announce. JERUSALEM! Jerusalem will be vanquished. The city will fall. Northerners will invade. No one shall be spared.”
”That’s a bit grim innit? No wonder they want to throw you down pit.”

Jeremiah didn’t stop.

He foretold of famine, plunder, and wives being shagged by foreigners intent on a good time. He spoke of captivity and temples being ransacked. It was difficult to get him to shut up. This was the man who condemned idolatry and waged war on greedy priests and false prophets. In short, Jeremiah sucked.

King Zee, drunkenly humping the local oxen, inherited Jeremiah and his various conspiracies. But Zee had no time for complaints. He didn’t care what the peasants were up to as long as he got to bang Stacey’s Mom. What was the point of being the all-powerful ruler if all you did was listen to the endless whining of serfs? He and his bros had parties to attend, wine to consume, and goats to fuck. Jeremiah was seriously killing his and the people’s vibe.

“Throw that sour-puss monkey’s ass into prison. Let him rot in the mud.”

And so they did.

In prison, otherwise known as The Pit of Hell, Jeremiah purchases his cousin’s (Hanamel) land after he falls upon hard times. The law from Parsha Behar states:

“If your kinsmen becomes poor and has to sell part of his land, his closest relative shall come and redeem what his kinsman has sold”.

Jeremiah, hands over a bag of silver, writes up a deed of ownership, seals it, and has it witnessed by a couple of guards and some prisoners.

While Jeremiah demonstrates a centuries-old law, all hell breaks loose in the kingdom of Judah.

King Zee, appointed to the throne thanks to the goodwill of Nebuchadnezzar II, had made a promise. He would pay tribute to the King of Babylon and be forever in his debt (and gratitude). He was to pay a tribute every month by the Tree of Secondment.

Hot-headed Zee didn’t care much for the arrangement.

Showing off to his bros, and having the hots for Egyptian women, King Zee sidled up to the Pharoah and pledged his allegiance and undying love to the throne of Egypt. In return, the Pharoah offered him the next summer’s first draft pick from his harem. He even threw in a recliner and an antique chariot once ridden by Cleopatra to sweeten the deal.

Nebuchadnezzar II was furious.

“What the fuck is wrong with this lad? I slaughter his pig-headed father. I kill the pipsqueak son. I appoint that little, jumped-up turd of a goat-herder to be the new king and this is how he repays me? Bring me my steed! We’re going back to the swamp of Judah and finishing the place for good! Fuck Judah!”

And so Jeremiah’s prophesy comes true.

It took thirty months but Jerusalem fell.

Nebuchadnezzar sent his shock troops into Jerusalem to plunder the shit out of the city. It took less than a day to be destroyed and razed to the ground, along with the First Temple (King Solomon's Temple).

King Zedekiah and his bros were captured as they attempted to flee disguised as beggar women. Shackled with heavy chains, he was forced to witness his sons put to death before the Babylonians gouged out his eyes. Zee remained a captive for the rest of his life.

He had plenty of time to reminisce over Jeremiah’s prophecy:

“This whole country will become a desolate wasteland, and these nations will serve the king of Babylon seventy years.”