Abraham Maslow And His Needy Pyramid
He would later marry his first cousin
The following events are based on a true story of which 96.2% is a pack of lies.
“What is it Maslow?” stated an exasperated teacher.
Maslow, the class swot, always first with a hand raised, believed he was going to change the world.
“Out with it Maslow! What on earth do you want?”
The class sniggered but Maslow knew he was right. Ideas had been swilling in his head since Stacey embarrassed him in front of the class during recess.
The kids laughed and pointed and then began singing an antisemitic song. Maslow realized there had to be a reason behind everything. Being at the sharp end of humiliation had to count for something. Some motivating force that made children act in a certain manner. His brain spun the first inkling of a theory for human motivation.
“Pyramids, Sir. We all have needs and everyone should aim to become Pharoah.”
Years later, hormone-inflicted Maslow was crouched within a large oak tree, scanning a near-distant bedroom with his semi-pro Navy SEAL binoculars. Across the street, he could make out Helena stripping down to her bra and panties and preparing for bed.
Maslow shifted for a better view when he suddenly slipped. The binocular straps caught on a branch and snagged firmly in place as Maslow tumbled.
The strap twisted around his neck and he hung below the limb swaying in the breeze, attempting to yank himself free. As the lights began to dim on his young life, Maslow imagined his world as a pyramid with his every want and desire etched before him.
Ten years passed and a peeping Maslow sat quietly on a rock observing the inhabitants of Blackfoot Reservation. He eyed a barefoot woman in traditional garb whose buxom heaved with the effort of walking.
Maslow knew she had basic needs that he could postulate to the entire tribe. Her wants and desires all needed to be satisfied for her to move up and down his imaginary tent pole.
Maslow’s theory, published to great acclaim in Psychological Review was bunk. The qualitative research was based on a single Native American tribe and even then his arguments failed to stack up when applied to their culture and identity.
Every part of his research was wrong.
The hierarchy of needs was missing stages which Maslow retrofitted in the wrong sequence. Everything about his theoretical stages could change. Depending on your circumstances, culture, and geography, your needs would differ entirely from his infamous pyramid.
One section of society though, worshipped Maslow the humanitarian - Marketers. The great unwashed swindlers of modern living. The ungodly heroes of scams and fortunes. The men and women who would form a narcissistic bond with cod-psychological analysis.
They embraced the needs and wants and devised empty marketing plans to beef up their over-expensive strategies. Cups were clashed and champagne swigged as over-indulgent lunchers cheered the slaves of the Maslow Pyramid.
Who cared if it was too European? It was a source to baffle clients in highlighter green and orange and charge even more dollars.
“There,” they would say, pointing to the base of the pyramid, “is where our market lies. And here,” laser pen operational with a beam trained at the pinnacle of primal pyramid worship, “here is exactly where we need to sell.” The sycophantic marketer will stand back triumphantly, fist-pumping the air.
Later in life, Maslow was concerned with questions such as, “Why don’t more people self-actualize if their basic needs are met? How can we humanistically understand the problem of evil?”
We can’t Maslow. Your theory sucked and now the world is kept in a perpetual Ponzi scheme enriching the Mad Men of years gone by.
Maslow, a less-than-sprightly 62, was out on his morning jog. He had spotted a succulent bottom that rolled and swished in beautiful motion—each cheek independent of the other.
The talin sweatpants repeatedly slipped down the wearer’s waist revealing more and more skin. He could glimpse a slither of red panties. He could feel his temperature rise as he excitedly eyeballed the bottom. Maslow clearly understood his needs.
Unfortunately, his heart gave way and Maslow died on the spot. It was 1970 and Maslow’s needs were finally met.
This story is almost entirely fictitious except for Maslow’s Pyramid which is outdated and useless. Brooklyn-born Maslow was no pervert but he was picked upon by antisemitic groups who would hurl stones and shout insults at this son of Russian Jewish immigrants.
Maslow believed that being physically strong was the mark of a true man. He had grown up in a toxic environment that worshipped toxic masculinity. He longed for equality based on education and an escape from the world's prejudice.
He hated his mother with a vengeance and would later describe her as:
“What I had reacted to was not only her physical appearance but also her values and world view, her stinginess, her total selfishness, her lack of love for anyone else in the world — even her own husband and children — her narcissism, her Negro prejudice, her exploitation of everyone, her assumption that anyone was wrong who disagreed with her, her lack of friends, her sloppiness and dirtiness…” Source Wikipedia
Maslow, definitely not a pervert with mummy issues, married his first cousin who was still in high school. She was impressed with his manliness. He would go on to study primate dominance and sexual behavior and later avoid being drafted for the war based on age. He was 33.
Maslow, one man, and his needs.
Maslow had issues.
This is hilarious. So, it was a joke all along?