Angry Righteous Man Trapped on Boat Vows to Get Drunk

Parsha Noach

Parsha Summary: One man’s boat gets supersized carrying the last remaining animals on the planet. It’s only the second chapter and already G-d, in not so many words, admits to fucking up the planet by populating it with sons and daughters of Adam. Having banned everybody from the Garden of Eden, G-d destroys mankind with a flood so he can reboot. Unfortunately, this is man we’re talking about. Pretty soon a Tower is constructed challenging G-d’s authority. Once more, G-d lashes out with a plague of confusion and the entire planet will never be harmonious again.

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G‑d said to Noah: “The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence through them” (6:13)

Captain’s Log - Day 3

We can still hear the screams through the night. People have survived the initial flooding and are crying out for help. Shem spotted a child atop a Sycamore tree as we drifted away. It’s heartbreaking to ignore the innocent who have paid for their father’s sins.

Life in the ark isn’t easy.

Somebody’s been eating my special cheese. It was clearly labeled ‘Noah’s Special Cheese - DO NOT TOUCH’ and yet somebody had the audacity of stealing my cheese. It was feta. I literally had to sit for hours hand-curdling milk from Jessica the Goat. I suspect Ham’s wife of stealing my cheese. She’s taken to baking an aromatic bread that smells distinctly like feta.

I’m also pissed off with the boys’ attitudes. There’s a real sense of entitlement since we boarded the vessel.

Captain’s Log - Day 10

Through the day and the night, we can hear the loud knock of bloated bodies striking the ark. The world has become a silent place. For our own sanity, we’ve taken to walking the top deck where the rain never ceases its endless downpour from the heavens.

I nabbed the cheese thief today. It was the dog. I nearly kicked the mutt overboard but Emzara stopped me. She finds the dog appealing and begs for its life. “How can you not love an animal as cuddly and as loyal as a dog?”

I’ve never had to spend so much time alone with this woman. Ham is helping me construct a shed for projects. No animals will be allowed.

The smell of elephant dung has seeped into all our food and still, we continue to endlessly drift as the animals shit, fart, and piss over everything. I hope it stops raining soon.

It’s been ten days since I last slept.

Captain’s Log - Day 41

Finally stopped raining. We are surrounded by water. Nothing but endless miles of water. Japheth has begun a project to rename all the animals.

“What an opportunity! The world will begin afresh and we can rebrand all the animals! Like that four-legged, yellow, horsey animal they call Long-Neckker.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“We’re still workshopping but I quite like Giranufubutt. What do you think?”

“Needs work. It’s better than Elleyfart. I still don’t understand the logic behind that name. Your earlier ones were better. It’s big, it’s brown and it’s a bat. Big Brown Bat. What do you call an extremely small horse? Miniature Horse. Pufferfish? Star-nosed Mole? You can see the logic. The simplicity. But hippopotamus? What even is that?”

“Deep-throat Raffe?”

I smile and walk away. Japheth is a visionary. One day the world will appreciate his genius. The future is a Japheth-shaped world.

Captain’s Log - Day 94

Fish! I can’t believe the family has taken to eating fish in the tea room. It’s the last room on board where the ark doesn’t stink of animals. All of them! I expressly forbade anybody from cooking fish in the tea room. We can’t continue like this. I must have respect. If I catch one more fucker eating fucking fish in my fucking tea room, I will call G-d personally to strike that fucking eejit off the face of the planet!

“How do you know it’s someone from the family?” Ham asks. “It could have been one of the seals.” One of the fucking seals? You’re telling me a fucking seal is cooking fish in the tea room? That it’s managed to drag its fat arse up 40 decks, carrying a fish between its teeth, opened the oven door, and waited for its fucking fish to be barbecued. Is that the story, Ham? Fucking idiot son. Of all the people to be stuck, rotting on a ship going nowhere, I would never have chosen Ham for survival.

I’ve begun plans for fermentation. Unofficially, when we were on dry land and long before the floods, I drank old grape juice and it nearly blew my mind! I could barely walk afterward. I can’t wait to begin experimenting again.

Captain’s Log - Day 152

The waters are starting to recede. I’m hopeful of never having another conversation with Zedkat.

Captain’s Log - Day 163

I should’ve taken up G-d’s offer to strike down the first person who mentioned the deluge. Zedkat is as stupid as her idiotic husband, Ham. They make a fine pair. “Let’s play the Floor is Lava!” Why? Is it because you’ve neglected your duties to scrub the damn floor clean of horse shit and now the entire surface is literally covered in crap and fucking reeks as bad as your BO and all I want is off the fucking boat. But no. You continually need reassurance as the Entertainment Officer with your inane ideas for passing the time. Floor is Lava? The Floor is Horseshit! We’re already clinging to the sides trying not to step in it!

Captain’s Log - Day 176

It is a new low. The family gathered for morning tea and played ‘Can You Lick Your Elbow?’ I’ve asked G-d if I could sacrifice a son.

Captain’s Log - Day 365

Finally had word from the Big Man. We’re safe to leave the ark. Naturally, He’s requested a sacrifice or two. As if a big fucking rainbow will make up for having to spend 365 fucking days talking shit to Ham and his eejit of a wife. It’s disturbing the way he keeps looking at my arse. I’m sure he’s up to no good.

As soon as my duties to G-d are over, I’m planting a vineyard and downing as much fermented grape juice as I can drink. I shall call it ‘Getting Wasted’. I’ve put up with enough crap on this boat to last a lifetime. I wouldn’t wish this fate on my worst enemy. Trapped on board a stinking ship with thousands of hungry mouths and no sleep for a year. If G-d had detailed the reality of voyaging on an ark, I would’ve opted for drowning!

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“Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his youngest son had done to him” (Genesis 9:24).

Noah, blind drunk, and sodomized by Ham, would never again step on board a sea-faring vessel.

And for ten generations, the descendants of Noah were unified as a single people, speaking a single language, until they build a great, big fucking tower as a symbol of their own invincibility.