Jacob the Sneak Steals All The Blessings
Parsha Toldot
Parsha Summary: Twin brothers fight over an inheritance as Ma and Pa settle in a strange land. Echoes of Abraham’s incestuous adventure mar this parsha when Isaac claims Rebecca is his sister. It’s as if the bible has run out of ideas. The family moves thanks to a(nother) famine and the unwanted gaze of a King, gets into several fights, becomes super wealthy, and finally settles in Be’er Sheva. Treaties are signed and Isaac hands over a blessing meant for his firstborn thanks to his wife’s deception.
“My, what big, hairy arms you have my son,” Isaac said as he struggled with reality, mistaking his indoor tent-dwelling second son for the all-action king of the hunt, Esau.
“Come nearer my son and let me smell you,” insisted the near-blind old man, “I need to make sure it truly is you.” Bedecked in his finest goat wool like a sheep in wolf’s clothing, Jacob inched closer. He was moments away from fleecing a blessing rich in promise.
Esau and Jacob were never the best of pals. Jacob, born on the heel of Esau, was a pasty candidate for Mummy’s Boy of the Year. He was allergic to the sun and liked to sit at home reading his books, downing gallons of mummy’s chicken soup, and behaving timidly around women.
The older twin, Esau, was the complete opposite. A man’s man. A toxic male of the highest order. A womanizing chump who treated his women as badly as he treated his fellow man. A fiery red-headed, meat-gorging mountain of a man who chased tail and bullied his way through life. He was noted for the exceptional growth of hair that covered his body the way weeds take over a garden. All Esau craved was his mummy’s affection. She made it no secret that Jacob was her favorite and this constant rejection slowly eradicated Esau’s faith in women. The final betrayal would arrive at the hands of mummy dearest, Rebecca, whose cunning plan proved more cunning than a badger in a rabbit hole bluffing its way to a queen-size bunny banquet.
Parents should never reveal their hands when it comes to favoritism. All children are equal in the eyes of G-d except when the bible comes into play. Isaac loved Esau, and Rebecca adored Jacob. Both sons were aware of this fact.
One bowl of red lentil stew is all it took for Jacob to steal Esau’s birthright. It was good stew—the best.
In late June, exhausted from hunting, Esau stood outside the tent and demanded food from Jacob. On the stove was a fresh pot of stew carefully prepared. It had all of Mummy’s favorite ingredients and Jacob was reluctant to hand it over.
“What’s it worth?”
“A smack in the mouth! Now hand it over nerd!”
“DADDY! DADDY! ESAU WANTS TO PUNCH ME!”
A tired voice from the back room shouted in return, “Stop fighting and leave your poor pappa alone! Why can’t I just get a moment’s peace in this sodding tent?”
Dripping in sweat and filled with an unquenchable hunger, Esau’s nose twitches. The stew smells so good it literally wafts around his senses and makes his stomach groan. Weak with gastronomical lust, Jacob makes Esau an offer he can’t refuse.
“Give me your birthright and you can eat as much stew as you like.”
The big man, unable to find food despite hunting all morning, comes over all faint and melodramaticly declares, “I’m dying!” Whining like a petulant child, he ponders aloud the age-old question, “Why the fuck does one need a birthright if one starves to death?” And with that, he hands over his legacy for a pot of red lentil stew.
“Numpty. I would have sold my birthright for half a pot!”
“And I would have given it to you for free…” grinned Jacob slithering off to tell Mummy all about his winnings.
Years pass and Esau becomes a bitter disappointment to his father. He doesn’t give a shit about tradition. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He is who he is and everyone else be damned.
He marries not one, but two wives. Hittite women. Loose women. Women of spite. Idol-worshipping fornicators. Adulterous women because they had a fondness for perfume and the finest of jewels. It’s biblical times and only fine-smelling, jewelry-wearing women are loose women who ply their trade in the back streets of town. Meet Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite.
The two most popular women in town are off the market and Esau can’t wait to bring them home to his parents to show them off.
“This is Adah1 (Basemath). She loves jewelry. Big red gems get her hot. And this is Beeri (Oholibamah2) who loves building unique spaces for idols. She was recently commissioned to construct a room for Ra in a nobleman’s tent. We’re very much in love. All three of us.”
“Oy vay. Son, I am speechless. And tired.”
“No worries Pa. Beeri can help you with that. She’s a marvelous performer. She performs every day. She gives many men many pleasures. I think you’ll like her.”
They don’t. Marrying a Canadian woman is a big no-no. Marrying two Canadians is even worse. But marrying a Canaanite? That’s a punishable offence in the eyes of a petty G-d.
Isaac orders Jacob not to do what his older brother has done. Seek a woman from anywhere but Canaan (or Canada).
And he said, "Behold now, I have grown old; I do not know the day of my death.” (Genesis 27:2)
“Nonsense. You’re as fit as a fiddle. Honestly, Beeri can help with that. She has a way with her hands. Old, young, she has a magical touch.”
“So, now, sharpen your implements, your sword [and take] your bow, and go forth to the field, and hunt game for me. And make for me tasty foods as I like, and bring them to me, and I will eat, in order that my soul will bless you before I die."(Genesis 27:3-4)
“Sure Pa. I’ll return before you die. It’ll be the best venison stew you will ever eat! It’ll work better than Beeri’s magic grip. I’ll be back before the camels come home.”
Overhearing the conversation, Rebecca hatches a plan. Old and feeble Isaac couldn’t tell deer from goat. She had been substituting goats into the stew for years. Jacob deserved Isaac’s blessing. He had more potential. She would make sure it would be Jacob who would be on the receiving end of any future gifts.
The great deception was on.
Camouflaged in freshly shorn sheep, the ends of which dripped blood down Jacob’s hairless arms, he knelt before Isaac offering faux venison stew.
“You were awfully quick to hunt down a deer my son,” questioned the near-to-death-but-not-quite-dying-for-another-couple-of-years Isaac. “Was the deer just outside?”
“It was Daddy. It had no eyes or genitals.”
“What do you call this type of deer, my son?”
“No Fucking Idea, Daddy.”
“Come nearer my son and let me smell you…”
Blessed are the meek and a blood feud begins.
A seething Esau returns only to find his brother has swindled him out of a legacy. He raged. He punched walls. He withdrew his offer of pleasure from his two wives and spent the next twenty years sharpening his arrows for the day he would meet Jacob.
Adah is derived, from the meaning of the wearing [adayat] of jewelry (Gen. Rabbati, Vayishlah, p. 160)
Oholibamah, a name she was given because she built places for idolatry (bamot).
These tales never fail to instruct :D
Ah. My sources all say "Canada" was an Indigenous word meaning "village", but obviously there's another meaning...