Fathering a Nation Abraham Style
Parsha Lech Lecha
Parsha Summary: Abram, soon to be called Abraham, literally goes forth and multiplies as he becomes the Father of the Nation. It’s not without strife. Abram has to deal with an unruly concubine, escape the clutches of a very handsy Pharoah, rescue his nephew from captivity, and then face his greatest fear, circumcision at the ripe old age of 99.
“G‑d spoke to Abram: “Go you from your land, from your birthplace and from your father’s house, to the land which I will show you.” (Genesis 12:1)
“Abram, we’ve talked before about you hearing voices.”
“But this was different, Sarai. I felt a connection this time. I tell you, it was the voice of G-d and He told me ‘To GO!”
“Go? Don’t make me laugh. Go where? What about your Camel Racing Tournament this weekend? You promised Lot you would take him. We can’t just ‘GO’? I’m not bloody going anywhere. This is my home. I’m staying!”
“Stop being difficult, Sarai. He said we had to go.”
“No. He said YOU had to go. I’m not leaving. This is ridiculous. You wake up one morning hearing booming voices…”
“…one voice…”
“…that only YOU can hear and you want us to pack up and leave, on a school night, to god-knows-where…”
“…G-d knows…”
“…packing up the entire household, which, may I remind you, we’ve only finished decorating last week, to go? What shall I tell the neighbours, Abram?”
“It doesn’t matter what you tell them…”
“Oh, it doesn’t? Shirley’s going to have a field day! She’ll love this. Always nabbering on about how I married a wrong ‘un. A regular dreamer she said. And she’s right! Oi, the shame! And why should we go, Abram?”
“Because He promised me that I’ll be a father.”
“A father? A father with whom, Abram? I’m 75! Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Do you think your geriatric swimmers are going to reach their target? You need a walking stick to get around and can barely stay awake past 4 p.m. How are you going to be a father? There are no mini-Abrams racing upstream. We aren’t in the basket-making business anymore and no one’s boiling my cabbage at this age. I thought we were over this.”
“Go from your land He said and that’s what I intend to do, with or without you. This discussion is over. Pack your things, Sarai. We leave in ten minutes and go west. Or east. Maybe south…whatever, we are leaving, woman!”
Abram had no choice. When G-d says go, you go.
Their journey took them to Canaan and then to Egypt after a famine struck the land. From Egypt, they quickly disembarked back to Canaan.
Along the way, their nephew Lot had a change of heart.
Enticed by the splendor of Sodom, a city bedecked with wickedness, Lot argued with Abram about where their future lay. Canaan stunk. It was a shitty transport hub in the outer regions of the desert. A place filled with goat herders and camel traders drowning their pitiful life savings in the abundant taverns that lined the town.
Reluctant to journey too far, Abram refused to head to the Vegas of the desert. The family had left Canaan once before when a famine hit and fled to Egypt. Not exactly the smartest of moves. A randy pharaoh took a liking to Sarai’s radiant beauty and made a generous offer for her services.
Abram, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, gleefully accepted.
“What was I to do, Sarai? He was the Pharoah! I can’t turn down a Pharoah!”
“Right. And you can’t turn down G-d when he calls.”
“Don’t be like that, Sarai. It’s only one night. I shall pray to G-d and see if He can intervene.”
And intervene He did.
A plague struck the Pharoah’s household frightening the Sovereign into action. The royal palace is awash with limbs dropping off and boils in places where the sun doesn’t shine. A spooked Pharoah double-downed on his offer to Abram with more donkeys, camels, and slaves declaring “Your missus ain’t that hot bro! It was an honest mistake. Much respect for you! Now go with my blessing.”
Sarai hadn’t stopped moaning about being sold to a Pharoah while Abram cowered in the corner claiming to be her brother. And now Lot wanted to leave. Talk about ungrateful. It was thanks to Abram’s wheeling-dealing in Egypt that the family returned, childless, to Canaan, laden with cattle, gold, and silver.
But was Sarai satisfied? Was Lot? No. He wanted more and Sodom was the place where he could find it.
“Maybe in Canaan, we’ll have children!” mocked Sarai who couldn’t help to mention their childless status at least once a day.
Silly Lot, bedazzled by the riches of Sodom, got himself caught up in a regionalized war and needed rescue by the geriatric Abram.
Abram strode into town with a small band of rebels numbering 318 who chased the mighty armies of the four kings out of the valleys. This was an army that had conquered, crushed, maimed, vandalized, and ravaged an entire kingdom but were now on their knees, fleeing for their lives, at the hands of Abram’s trained ultras.
Wanting to be rid of Abram and tired from all the running away, the king of Sodom offered untold riches. Abram refused and let his gallant warriors take his share.
Abram was truly blessed, but still not with a child.
“What is the point amassing all this wealth if I can't bequeath to my children?” Wondered aloud a very dissatisfied Abram.
But then he heard His voice once more.
Sarai shook her head when Abram told her G-d had spoken.
“Oh, what did He promise this time? More children?”
Annoyed by a god who kept interfering with their marriage, Sarai offers Abram a hall pass - Hagar the Fertile. A beautifully endowed woman rich with the promise of motherhood.
Let it be said once more, Abram could never refuse a gift horse especially one as hot as Hagar and ready for action. “Only if you’re sure,” he said as he mounted the mistress to save his marriage.
Gaslighting his way to fatherhood, Hagar begets Ishmael in Abram’s 86th year.
Thirteen years pass and G-d speaks to Abram again.
“You wouldn’t believe this Sarai! But I just spoke to G-d and HE said THIS time, this time you shall become a mother!”
“Thanks, Abe but I think I’ve heard enough from G-d. How many 89-year-olds do you see giving birth? How do you think a woman’s body works, Abe? That would be some miracle.”
“You’ll see! He promised! He also mentioned one other thing…He wants you to change your name to Sarah (princess) and you can call me Abraham!”
“Great. Do you think calling me Princess will make me happy? Anything else?”
“Well, yeah…he wants me to take all the men in the household including Ishmael, and slice their todgers. He said, it will show respect and be a sign of our covenant together.”
“Normal people usually ask for a contract…”
Poor Abram had to wait until he was 86 before fatherhood came calling. At the remarkable old age of 99, he conceived his second and last child with Grandmama Sarah, who was a mere ten years his junior.
From The Book of Dylan (Bob):
"God said to Abraham, 'Kill me a son'/Abe said, "Man you must be putting me on"/ God said "No"/Abe said "What?"/God said, "You can do what you want, Abe, but..."
I'm starting to wonder if I bought the abridged version of the Bible...