Moses' Waffles As A Dog Named Fancy Goes Missing
Parsha Devarim
Parsha Devarim Summary: Following the success of his 42-station PowerPoint presentation, Moses launches the mother of all concerts in order to raise funds for Egyptian orphans. His opening act, Judah and the Scapegoats, pulls out after suffering the loss of their pet goat to priestly sacrifices. Undeterred, Moses's big-tent extravaganza recounts the Israelite’s journey complete with 6284 props, 76 live animals, 92 children, and a dozen glitter clouds. Thus begins the first chapter of Deuteronomy.
The show was into its tenth hour and the crowd was beginning to fade.
Near the back stood Harold, eager to learn but beginning to wilt from exposure to the blistering desert sun. What he needed was another cask of wine and a bevy of fan wavers of the kind they used to own in Egypt. At least that was what his Zayda (grandad) once said before his generation all perished in the afterburn of G-d’s wrath.
Jonatan sidled next to Harold. Fresh from an extended toilet break that stretched for several hours, Jonatan had been coerced into attending Mose’s concert out of fear of banishment. Worse, he worried about catching some hideous disease at the hands of G-d.
“What did I miss?”
“I think he’s up to the pies. Yeah. He anoints several pies, made of sheep, that returned from Canaan because they smelled bad.”
“That can’t be right. We’ve never had pies.”
“I think,” said Yakov, butting in, “he actually said spies. The spies returned from Canaan.”
“Pies would be good right about now.” Jonatan was warming to the idea of nourishment. “I’d murder my neighbor for a pie. Maybe even bang a Midianite for a pie or two.”
“I wouldn’t. Last I heard they were full of disease.”
“The pies?”
“Nah, the Midianites are good to go. G-d gave us the all-clear. Wiped out the STDs. Gotta love it when He does shit like that.”
“Sure, if old women in their 90s were your thing. Nah mate, stick with the millennials, the fresh crop out of the Exodus. Can’t go wrong.”
Moses was unaware of the flagging interest from the congregation as he continued his speech.
“Yet you would not go up, but rebelled against the commandment of the L‑rd your G‑d.
You murmured in your tents, and said: "Because G‑d hates us, He has brought us forth out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand of the Emori, to destroy us. Whither shall we go up?” 1:21-28
“Talking of murmuring. Can barely hear a word. Wouldn’t want the weather going up, bloody hot enough already. Can’t wait to get out of this desert. Has he said when the big move is on?”
“Nope. It’s all, “I did this,” and “I commanded that.” Ancient history I reckon. Do you remember Saul ben Nachas? The joyful one?” Everybody nodded.
“Check this. Saul’s got this new pet dog called Fancy. Very confusing right? Saul would wander around the encampment, like most of us, but he would be saying shit like, “Fancy that”. This was Saul’s instructions for Fancy to attack. Several of the tribe get bitten, right, but mostly the dog attacks the old women of Midian. Saul reckons he’s doing G-d’s work.
Anyways, Moses gets wind of this shenanigans and orders Saul to stay in his camp until he learned how to control his dog. What a mensch. It’s the elders who have the issue right? Bunch of intolerant zealots desperately wanting to please G-d if you ask me.
Back at the camp, Saul knew Fancy had to make himself useful. So he hires a professional singer from the Miriam Choir to warble obtuse tunes in Fancy’s direction. She would sing while walking in the opposite direction to Fancy.1 It didn’t work, mostly because the dog takes an instant dislike to the diva. So Saul tries a different approach and hires Danny ben Etherium.
Now Dan’s a bit casual. I don’t think he’s got the chops to teach a few porkies to a dog like Fancy. That pooch ain’t never gonna get prim and proper like some Lady Cleopatra. As Saul wondered if he was spending too much time training his dog, Danny and Fancy falls in love. Like serious falling. The big bam. Man and dog couldn’t be separated. Everywhere Danny went, Fancy was there. Despite a clear-cut case of lashan hara (evil gossip), people began calling the dynamic duo, Fancy Dan.
Saul couldn’t handle losing the love of his first pet. The boy went cray cray jealous and he hatches the finest of plans. It involved several buckets, one scoundrel, two bags of horse feed, and another dog named Geoff.
I can’t go into details but Moses gets wind and attempts to shut it all down.”
“Does this story have a point? I think Moses just mentioned my tribe.”
“And this land, which we possessed at that time, from Aro'er, which is by the wadi Arnon, and half mount Gilaad, and its cities, I gave to the Reubenites and to the Gaddites.” 3:12
“Nope. Just the meshugas of Reuben. What happened next, Jonatan? Did Moses catch them?”
“The plan? Complete success. In fact, it worked too well. Danny boy gets swallowed up in the ground. A case of mistaken identity. And the dog? Ran away. You might have seen the headline in The Exodus Times - ‘Flight of Fancy’.2 Saul was so racked with guilt over his well-executed plan, he confessed all to Moses.”
“What did Moses do?”
“Stoning. Took a few hours. Saul’s a big lad but he never got fancy.”
Moses finally reached the end.
Fireworks blasted into the night sky. A thousand-strong chorus of Midian women sang joyfully to the crowd and seventy large geese clucked and honked in unison as the curtain fell.
Moses wiped a tear from his eye as he delivered his final line.
“And I commanded Joshua at that time, saying: "Your eyes have seen all that G‑d your G‑d has done to these two kings; so shall G‑d do to all the kingdoms into which you will pass. You shall not fear them: for the L‑rd your G‑d, He shall fight for you." 3:21-22
“Thank you. May you all have a safe passage into the Land of Milk and Honey, Baruch Hashem. Laila Tov everyone!”
Centuries later, the term ‘passing fancy’ was coined after Hilda’s training techniques.
‘Flight of Fancy’ can also be tracked back to the Exodus thanks to Saul and his dog.